Sibling Rivalry
by Camille2
Summary: Irina and Katya in sibling rivalry run amok in front of Jack
1. Default Chapter

Title: Sibling Rivalry (Run Amok)  
  
Author: Camille aka Karenml  
  
Characters: Jack, Irina, Katya PG-13 Set after Crossings  
  
This is totally breezy AU just for fun.  
  
------  
  
Jack looked carefully down at the sharp knife held against his throat.  
  
Sighed internally, since sighing aloud might result in his vocal cords being severed.  
  
You know, he thought, other men came home to a dog or even a cat. Or surprise, surprise! A wife happy to see them. They read the paper, ate dinner, talked about their days. Maybe washed the dishes, walked the dog. Watched a little television. Acted like normal human beings.  
  
But not him. Nope.  
  
Nope, he came home and had a knife to his throat.  
  
Oh well, at least she was never boring.  
  
"What..." he said softly and waited. She moved the knife infinitesimally back to allow him to speak. "What did I do wrong this time? Will you tell me before you kill me?"  
  
"Hmm. Give me a moment to consider my options."  
  
He sighed, noticing -- not that he could help it -- that she had not removed the knife while she considered her options. He supposed he could try and fight back, but why bother? If she'd wanted to kill him, he'd already be dead. She must want to merely torture him. Again.  
  
A perfect way to end the day he supposed. He had carefully opened the front door to his house and looked around, as he did every day, every time he opened his own door. What a life. What a day. Marshall had asked his advice about persuading Carrie to marry him. Asked him. He who couldn't keep the wife he'd had, who was god knows where doing god knows what with god knows whom. Weiss had been regaling everyone with his latest yoyo trick. Vaughn had done his best imitation of a pendulum, his gaze and body language swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth between Sydney and Lauren. And that in-office... Vaughnish canoodling had to stop. Ew. His lip curled. Surely there was an office rule against that. Somewhere. If not, the manual would have to be rewritten.  
  
Maybe he'd look into that tonight, he had thought as he went into his bedroom. He had nothing better to do, a boring night stretched before him. And maybe he needed to do some research on that Lauren Reed, anyway. What was her story? One minute she had an Australian accent, the next a British accent. And what was she still doing here when Lindsey was gone? And what the hell did Vaughn see in her when he could have had Sydney? Clearly the man had serious problems or the writers were smoking crack. And since when could Vaughn fly an Air Force jet well enough to evade heat-seeking missiles? Sydney could, of course, Sydney could do anything. But Vaughn? Please. Well at least he wasn't having to explain molecular transponders to anyone anymore. But..., he asked as he tossed his keys onto the bureau, where was that errant wife of his these days?  
  
Well, the knife at his throat three seconds later had answered his question quite.... pointedly, Jack thought as he avoided breathing.  
  
"You. Kissed. My. Sister!" Irina growled finally.  
  
"I hesitate to point out an error on your part when you're holding a knife to my throat. My lovely wife. My darling. My love. My---"  
  
"Jack...." Irina struggled to keep the frown on her face. Jack was quite amusing, after all. In private. In public he could have the stiffest.... Well, stiffness wasn't always a bad quality in a man. Especially in private. She withdrew the knife. "What is my error?"  
  
"SHE kissed ME. Not the other way around," Jack reminded her.  
  
"But you didn't resist, you didn't push her away!"  
  
"I'm a gentleman, remember?" Jack asked, trying not to laugh when Irina rolled her eyes. "And a gentleman would never reject a lady that way."  
  
"My sister's no lady!"  
  
"And neither are you," came a coolly accented voice from the doorway. "I suppose you're lucky Jack isn't pushing YOU away."  
  
"Katya!" Both Jack and Irina exclaimed.  
  
"How did you get in...." Jack began and then shook his head. Why bother? This was just his home, after all. His home with state of the art security measures and...  
  
They watched Katya through the bedroom doorway as she carefully closed the front door behind her and punched in the code to Jack's security system. He glared at his wife. She shrugged and muttered, "Yes, I shared it with her. I thought it was a good idea. Keep it all in the family...."  
  
"How fortuitous a philosophy, my sister." Katya smiled as she turned to face them. "One..." She paused as her eyes went up and down Jack's body. "With which I heartily concur." 


	2. chapter 2

Irina stepped in front of Jack. "What do you mean by that?" She frowned at her sister and tossed the knife aside without looking.  
  
Jack winced as he watched the knife slam into the center -- of course -- of the cherry door to his bedroom. He'd just had that replaced after Irina's last visit. Other men bought their wives flowers, chocolate, jewelry, even cars. Not him. He replaced doors, repaired holes in the plaster walls, installed new window panes.... Although she had seemed to really appreciate that bullet-proof glass he'd had installed in her little Miata a while back. But his house... Maybe they needed to start meeting at her place for a change. Especially if her sister was going to join them. He might not have a home left by the time the two of them got done with... whatever it was that was making them glare at each other. Or rather Irina was glaring. Katya looked... amused. He'd seen the same look on Irina's face when she thought she was being clever. Another family resemblance. How many others were there? Hmm.  
  
"Yes, what do you mean by that?" Jack asked, as he loosened his tie. Might as well get comfortable. He shrugged, pulled off the tie and jacket. Reaching back, he tossed them in the general vicinity of his bed. They didn't quite make it, but somehow he thought messiness was the least of his problems right now.  
  
"What are you doing?" Irina asked as he walked over to the couch. She stepped in front of him. Again.  
  
"Trying to get comfortable. What are YOU doing?" Jack asked, squeezing past her to lie down on the couch. Stretching his long legs out, he pulled a pillow around to put under his head.  
  
"My sister...." She hissed. "Is LOOKING at you."  
  
Jack shrugged. He wasn't going to take that bait. He wasn't stupid. He had a feeling sibling rivalry between the Derevko sisters was something from which he wanted to distance himself. Kinda like the big red ball of Ebola in Taipei. And he didn't even have a screwdriver like Vaughn. Speaking of which, he sat up and eyed the bar. Maybe what he really needed tonight was a drink. Or two. Or twelve. Maybe he ought to invite Dixon over. Perhaps if he poured half a bottle of scotch down the man's throat he might find the personality he'd lost this season.  
  
"Did you hear what I said?" Irina said, pushing him back down on the couch when he'd begun to rise up. "Do something. Don't just sit there and look at me as if... I'd just returned from the dead."  
  
"I did more than look at our last... encounter, didn't I, Jack?" Katya reminded him.  
  
Or rather, he thought, looking at the glance she sent her sister, Katya was reminding Irina. He stared at Katya. She had a death wish, apparently. Irina glared at him. He shrugged. The best defense here was clearly silence. If only Katya would keep her mouth shut, but somehow if she was anything like her sister, she would have an advanced degree in knife turning...  
  
"But then again," Katya said with a small smile that seemed to make Irina grow as irritated as Sloane used to when Marshall began waxing orgasmic over his latest technogeek gadget. Ah, he missed those days at Sd-6, when he would amuse himself by counting the pulse beats in the vein that had beat at the side of Sloane's temple on those occasions. How many times had he gotten through a meeting just by hoping that this would be the time the man had an aneurysm?  
  
"Then again...." Irina growled.  
  
Jack tensed, sensing that she might be ready for an aneurysm herself. Which was a shame, this was the first time they had been able to plan on extended time together in a while. Quite a while. He looked at the bedroom and sighed. He'd had hopes. High hopes, as it were, when she stuck the knife into his throat. That knife was just a little friendly foreplay -- shot to hell, though. Damn it. Then he brightened, maybe he could find a way to upset her again, she could pull out the knife, they could play the little torture-one-of-them-into-removing-their-clothes-with-a-knife game. That would be good. Very good. Really, they should patent it. He had a feeling it would sell very well in the former Soviet empire. And certain parts of Asia. Singapore, for example...  
  
He looked up eagerly and opened his mouth to make a suggestion, but then sighed as Irina's voice escalated, "Then again... WHAT?"  
  
"I not only did more than look, I did... leave my mark, didn't I?" Katya said huskily.  
  
"Yes, you left lipstick on his lips!" Irina protested, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"I suppose...." Katya said, pulling a tube of lipstick out of her pocket, as she gave Jack a long look. "If our... association is to continue, I should purchase a smudgeproof lipstick. Too bad though, this is my favorite shade."  
  
"Your favorite... SHADE?" Irina asked incredulously. "Who cares---"  
  
"Well, choosing the right shade to complement one's coloring is important. Don't you remember that from KGB makeup class? And that shade of puce you're wearing is not doing you any favors, if you don't mind some friendly, SISTERLY advice."  
  
"Are you color blind as well as stupid?"  
  
"Stupid? What are you implying?" Katya asked indignantly. Ah, Jack nodded. A hit for Irina.  
  
"I was the one who graduated at the top of my class at the academy, not you."  
  
"Ah, yes, the diploma before which we should all genuflect. The great Irina, who managed to get an A in every class because she decided to practice what she'd learned in the seduction class on every prof---"  
  
"I did not! I didn't have to," Irina... Was it, Jack wondered, eying her incredulously, had she just whined? "Jack....I didn't become valedictorian that way---"  
  
"There's a reason they call it vale-DIC--torian, in your case," Katya said, waving her lipstick around.  
  
"Jack..." Irina said, looking at him. He remained seated, knowing that made him a smaller target in case weapons were wielded. "Surely, you see that I need to kill her. I didn't do what she said, you know...."  
  
Patting her lightly on the rump, he murmured soothingly, "I'm sure you didn't, honey. You're brilliant, you don't need to lie on your back to achieve. Although later, after she leaves if you want to refresh your textbook skills, I'd be happy to let you overachieve with me or under or--- "  
  
Irina rolled her eyes and exclaimed, pointing a finger at her sister, "And, and I am not wearing puce! I am wearing black."  
  
"Your clothing is black. Your face is puce. And really, darling, a most... unfortunate color combination for you. That option really only works on a winter and you're a--"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"You said it, not me."  
  
Jack bit his lip, then decided to just bury his head in the pillow for a second, hoping it would muffle his chuckles. This was, he admitted it, better than watching Queer Eye. Not as good as the knife game, but.... he'd take it.  
  
Irina took a deep breath. She automatically slapped at Jack for watching her chest rise and fall and snarled at her sister, "You know what is a bad color choice for you? Red. Red is not your best choice and that's the color you'll be wearing if you don't---"  
  
"Katya - what's your blood type?" Jack asked.  
  
"It's Type O. Why?"  
  
"Oh, good. Type O bloodstains are fairly easy to remove. Type B is difficult, tends to make an indelible stain. The last time Irina here was playing with a knife and I distracted her, well---"  
  
"Jack." Irina paused and rubbed her hands on her legs. "You're not distracting me, so stop it."  
  
"I'm just concerned about my carpeting. It's brand new. Like that door was. Yesterday." Jack pointed toward the cherry door with the knife protruding from it.  
  
"I'll buy you new carpeting! That's a small price to pay to keep her... lipstick away from you."  
  
"Well, it could have been worse...." Katya purred in that tone of voice that had driven Irina crazy since she was about three.  
  
"Irina...honey, don't...." Jack whispered. "DON'T take the bait..."  
  
"How so?" Irina yelled, ignoring her husband. "What could be worse then leaving lipstick on his lips?"  
  
"I could have left lipstick on his dick."  
  
Irina lunged for her sister. 


	3. Chapter 3

"How so?" Irina yelled, ignoring her husband. "What could be worse then leaving lipstick on his lips?"  
  
"I could have left lipstick on his dick."  
  
Irina lunged at her sister.  
  
Katya, no fool, took a quick step backward.  
  
Jack rolled his eyes and grabbed Irina around the waist just as she was about to clear the coffee table. With a loud "Umphf!" he hauled her back against him.  
  
"After all...." Katya said with a smile. Rubbing her bottom lip, she noted, "As you know, Irina.... I did not get my code name Black *Swallow* because of my resemblance to a bird."  
  
"Oh? Really?" Jack asked with a grin. "That's..." he coughed. "Interesting." Then grunted as Irina slammed a hard elbow into his midsection just as she slammed a boot-clad foot into the glass-top coffee table. He dropped her and in a flash, both sisters had grabbed large shards of glass and held them up.  
  
"Both of you! Put the glass down and step back." When neither of them moved, Jack pulled his gun out of his holster. "NOW! I mean it."  
  
"Oooh, he pulled out his.... gun. He must mean it," Katya said with a grin and dropped the piece of glass. "Don't you think, Irina? Or has it been so long since you've seen his gun... uncocked that you've forgotten what it...looks like? Now, speaking for myself... I do remember what it felt like... at least ---"  
  
"Jack!" Irina turned irate eyes to her husband.  
  
Jack waved his gun around casually. "Just an involuntary physical reaction. Make nothing of it."  
  
"Well, it did not feel like... nothing to me." Katya smiled as her eyes slowly dropped down over Jack's body and then stared fixedly at a place that Irina swore was never going to see the light of day if he had in fact responded to her sister. Then she groaned as she met her sister's amused gaze, as Katya continued, "In fact, *it* felt like..... Or perhaps I should be more specific so that there is no misunderstanding. His *dick* felt like- --"  
  
"Let me tell you what this piece of glass is going to feel like as it slides across your neck, you short.... little...lipstick-wielding.... tramp- --" Irina flung the glass shard at her sister. Katya stepped aside and the glass slammed point first into the cherry-wood of Jack's bar.  
  
"NOW, I've had it!" Jack said. "That is an expensive, custom---"  
  
"You are getting very fussy these days, Jack," Irina said with a sly grin. "I remember not too long ago when we played around with a piece of glass and---"  
  
"Oh,* do* go on, Irina" Katya urged. "This *is* interesting. Educational. Illuminating. Exciting even. It makes me wonder if Jack is *up* for a repeat performance?"  
  
With a hiss, Irina quickly snagged another piece of glass and flung it. This time it sliced through the upholstered back of a chair.  
  
"This IS it!" Jack yelled. "I've had it. Time to call in the reinforcements."  
  
"Reinforcements?" Katya asked, puzzled as Jack snatched Irina's cell phone from her waistband and held Irina back with his other hand as she grabbed for it.  
  
"Ah, as I suspected. Your personal cell phone. Good." Jack nodded and punched in the number one on speed dial.  
  
"Whom are you calling?" Katya asked. "Who is number one on speed dial if it isn't you?"  
  
"It doesn't matter how old the girl is, where she goes, what she does, teacher or terrorist, a girl's number one on her speed dial will always be...." Jack paused as the phone rang and gave his wife a glare as she tried to grab the phone away.  
  
"NO, Jack. Don't call---"  
  
"Mrs. Derevko? Yes, this is Jack Bristow---"  
  
"Don't call my mother! Don't----"  
  
"Oh, this is so unfair," Katya complained, crossing her arms over her chest. "She always liked you best since you were the baby."  
  
"Ha! She liked you best because you were the smallest, the cute one."  
  
"No, no, ma'am. Irina's not dead again. Not yet anyway. Tomorrow, who knows? No, neither is Katya. Yes. Ah, I see. But... I really don't want to replace my carpeting. No, I don't think burgundy carpeting like yours would be more efficient given the circum-- And I'm becoming somewhat tired of replacing my doors and windows and... Yes, I've seen that show called Extreme Home Makeover, but I really don't want to apply. Having strangers in here would completely violate my security protocols. No, I don't think it's a good idea to kill the entire cast and crew after they leave... Yes, it would be a shame to kill Carson, but he's not on that show. He's on Queer Eye. I agree, that show is quite amusing, but.... I'm calling because two of your daughters are here having a bigger cat fight than Carson and a clerk in a shoe store trying to sell him socks.... Yes, *that bad.* Talk to Mr. Derevko--- Certainly. Yes. Hello. Yes," Jack sighed. "I promise to take care of your little girl. Not that she really requires any one to take care of her.... I know, I know, I have a little girl too. Yes. I promise. As long as she doesn't go off and leave me *again* for *twenty* years--"  
  
"Will you never stop bringing that up?" Irina asked, rolling her eyes.  
  
Jack covered the phone and sliding his hand around his wife's neck, said softly, "I'm still waiting for my apology on this visit."  
  
"Oh," Irina said and smiled. That's what she had been planning with the knife before they were so rudely interrupted, after all. The apology game.  
  
Jack smiled and nodded. Then speaking again into the phone, he slid one arm around his wife's shoulder as he listened. Finally, he said, "I see. Worked with her mother? At times, anyway? Well, I'll try anything once..." Jack flipped the phone closed and shoved it into his own pocket.  
  
"That's gratifying to hear," Katya said. "Because I've always wanted to try that particular trick we saw on that tape, Irina, do you remember---"  
  
Irina reached both arms out for her sister and began to lunge across the broken glass before them. Jack hissed in a breath, that was actually dangerous and so he once again grabbed her around her waist.  
  
"Jack!" Irina exclaimed angrily, elbowing him.  
  
"I told you. I don't want any blood on my new carpet." Jack tightened his arms around her and lifted her off of her feet.  
  
"But--"  
  
"I'm *serious.* No. Blood."  
  
Irina sighed. "But...It wouldn't take *much* blood. I have a stiletto under your pillow, that would make a nice, small slice, deep but not too much blood if you angle it properly--"  
  
"Since when is there a stiletto under my pillow?" Jack asked. There hadn't been a stiletto there earlier. "And more importantly, why?"  
  
"Well, I was hoping..." Irina said, teasingly.  
  
"Ah. Well, I would be hoping too. But honestly, if you bloody my carpet and I have to spend the evening shampooing it, I'm not going to be in the mood."  
  
"Okay. There is an alternative. I could strangle her. No blood at all that way," Irina pointed out.  
  
"Okay, well, that's true. But the body... where would we put the body?" Jack pointed out, he thought, reasonably. "And again, we'd spend all evening burying her. A waste of valuable time." Time they could be using to investigate the possibilities of a stiletto. That was new. He liked new things.  
  
"True. But how about---"  
  
"You honestly think you could take me so easily? *Baby* sister?" Katya taunted.  
  
Jack groaned as he felt Irina's muscles tense and tightened his arms around her. He quickly turned around before she could move, tossed her on the couch and sat down on top of her.  
  
"This was your father's recommendation and I have to say," Jack grinned as he shifted around on top of his wife. "I approve." Although it would be infinitely better, he sighed, if he were facing her while lying on top of her.  
  
"Get off of me!" Irina grunted. "You're a big man, you know."  
  
"Mmm. So he is," Katya commented, her eyes going up and down Jack's body.  
  
"Jack. I mean it. Let. Me. Up!"  
  
"No. I really don't think it's a good idea to kill your sister."  
  
"But...."  
  
"At least not in my house."  
  
"She deserves it. She started it."  
  
Jack nodded, and patted his wife's thigh as she tried to wind it around his leg to flip him over. "Nice try, but I know all your tricks, honey. Just hold still for a little while until you calm down."  
  
"Tell her to calm down! Do something about her!"  
  
"I am calm. I'm not the one who had to be restrained. Although... perhaps that was a tactical error on my part...." Katya stopped and smiled.  
  
"You....You....You've never made a tactical error in your life! You lying, conniving, stealing---"  
  
"And your point would be what?" Katya asked. "Or are you merely looking in the mirror?"  
  
"Jack! Do something about her! Now!"  
  
"Irina..." Jack said in a calm tone of voice as he pointed out, "Do you really, truly want me to restrain her?"  
  
"Oooh. Can you?" Katya cooed.  
  
TBC 


	4. chapter 4

"Irina..." Jack said in a calm tone of voice as he pointed out, "Do you really, truly want me to restrain her?"  
  
"Oooh. Can you?" Katya cooed.  
  
Behind him Jack heard Irina grind her teeth. Jack bit his lip and thanked the gods that watched over fools married into a family of international terrorists - and what saint was that? Saint Early Grave? Saint Early Grey Hair? Saint Lucky to Be Alive? Saint Home Repair? - that his wife could not see the amused look on his face.  
  
"Perhaps I have made a tactical error," Katya continued. "Perhaps I should have been the one losing control and stamping my foot and---"  
  
"I did not stamp my foot," Irina gritted out as she tried to wiggle around and find a way to escape. Sometimes... she disliked it when Jack used his greater size and weight to pin her and sometimes...she hid a grin against his shoulder, she liked it. But this, she decided, was not one of those times. She bit his shoulder.  
  
"How was it a tactical error, Katya?" Jack asked, just to aggravate his wife. If he upset her enough, she'd play the knife game later. And that, he sighed, was his favorite, in any variation. "Do tell."  
  
"Because if we are talking about restraint..." Katya reached into her pocket. "I'm always interested and prepared."  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows. "Ah, did you come prepared?"  
  
"I haven't come, prepared or not. Yet." Katya noted, biting her lip in amusement at Irina's hiss of rage. She slowly pulled out a pair of handcuffs. Dangling them from one finger, she nodded at Jack's raised eyebrow.  
  
"You carry cuffs on you?" Jack asked eagerly, then groaned as well for his wife's benefit when she poked him hard between two ribs.  
  
"Of course. I always carry the essentials. Lipstick. Manacles." Katya smiled as she waved them back and forth. "What else does a woman really need in life? Or at least..." Her eyes traveled up and down Jack's long legs and she sighed before continuing, "When it comes to what she can carry in her pockets."  
  
"Anything else in those pockets?" Jack asked with an upward tilt to his lips.  
  
"You don't need to sound so interested in the contents of her pockets," Irina griped, thumping him on the back. Ah, he thought, love pats from his wife. How sweet.  
  
Tossing them in Jack's direction, Katya said, "Here. Consider it a belated wedding present."  
  
"Honey, do you remember registering for these?" Jack asked, holding the cuffs up for her to see.  
  
"No and---"  
  
"Neither do I." Jack looked over his shoulder at Irina and winked as he added, thoughtfully, rubbing his chin, "I thought we registered for the ones with the padded interiors."  
  
"We didn't register for ANY cuffs, Jack! And get that.... that gleam out of your eyes---"  
  
"Well, are you sure about our registry? I mean, I'm not the gravy boat and soup tureen type of guy. And the padded ones make more sense, don't they? I mean I wouldn't want you to get bruised---"  
  
"Who said anything about the woman being the one to wear the cuffs, Jack?" Katya asked.  
  
"True, true. I am being unimaginative." Jack nodded at Katya and tucked the cuffs into his own pockets. A new game tonight, if he had his way. "And possibly sexist. And I really was never sexist, was I, honey? I went with you when you registered for our wedding----"  
  
"Did you register him, Irina?"  
  
"What---" Irina asked.  
  
"Why do you insist on asking these questions?" Jack muttered, rolling his eyes as he waited.  
  
"Truly, you should register him or at least his mouth ---"  
  
"What do you mean by that?!"  
  
"That mouth is a weapon and---"  
  
"And what?"  
  
"And therefore, a potential crime scene, after all."  
  
"Don't take the bait, don't take the bait..." Jack whispered, looking upward.  
  
Irina scowled, "Why, what do you mean---"  
  
"Well, that kiss nearly killed me. But of course, I'd rather wait for the little death, if you know what I mean. And given that you were married to him for five years, I think you do."  
  
"We were not married for five years, we were married for --"  
  
"Five. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Whatever."  
  
"It's not whatever. But then again, you were never good with numbers. That's why I have to have accounting review all of your expenditure reimbursement requests every week. Numbers have never been your strong suit."  
  
"Apparently numbers are not the strong suit of the writers on this show. As they were not mine. I admit it."  
  
"Yes, one of your many failings."  
  
"Perhaps. But speaking of failings, let me remind you that you left a man who looks like..." She licked her lips. "That in a tshirt?"  
  
"Wait." Irina held up her hand. She asked suspiciously, looking back and forth between her husband and sister. "What tshirt?"  
  
Katya smiled slowly. "What other one could it be, but the white, tank---"  
  
"I bought those tshirts for him! I did! For me! For my viewing pleasure. I went to Walmart and stood in line and bought those tshirts with my own money---"  
  
"And women around the world thank you for that purchasing decision. Myself included." Katya sighed happily. "I know I've downloaded that picture of him in that tshirt as a screensaver on my computer. How about you?" 


	5. chapter 5

"I bought those tshirts for him! I did! For me! For my viewing pleasure. I went to Walmart and stood in line and bought those tshirts with my own money---"  
  
"And women around the world thank you for that purchasing decision. Myself included." Katya sighed happily. "I know I've downloaded that picture of him in that tshirt as a screensaver on my computer. How about you?"  
  
"You've WHAAT?" Irina heard herself yell. Keep control, she told herself, keep in control. She's just pushing your buttons. You are in control. Control.  
  
"Wow," Jack said, looking down modestly. He only hoped Irina did not see the laughter in his eyes before he looked down. "I'm...flattered."  
  
"You're not flattered! You're dead! Dead!" Irina said, turning to her husband and grabbing him by the shoulder holster. Then she stopped and sighed. So much for control. And Jack did not like it when you touched his-- -  
  
"Irina, honey, don't touch my gun unless you intend to use it," Jack warned, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back against her again.  
  
"She saw you in one of those tshirts?" Irina asked more calmly. She was not showing herself to best advantage in front of Jack by flying off the handle at every comment her sister made.  
  
"Would you rather I had not worn a tshirt at all?" Jack asked. Then cocked his head. Had he just heard something?  
  
Irina frowned. "What was that sound?"  
  
Katya listened as well. "Oh, it's the sound of women fainting everywhere."  
  
"Oh." Irina shrugged while Jack looked confused. "Well, I'm not worried about women who can see him. It's women who can touch him that---"  
  
"Hmm. I don't blame you. And given how intimately I touched him---"  
  
"Irina...." Jack whispered, looking over his shoulder. "It's not what you--- "  
  
"Define an intimate touch," Irina said. Calmly. She was proud of herself. She had said it calmly.  
  
"Well, when he lifted his tshirt so I could touch his skin---"  
  
"She touched your SKIN?!" Irina exclaimed. "You LIFTED your tshirt? Of your own free will?" This was far worse than she had expected.  
  
Jack covered his ear and winced. He was going to be hearing ringing in that ear for a while, he could tell. And it wasn't as though she'd yelled for a good reason. At the rate she was going, she was going to be hoarse by the time they made it to the bedroom. Or the couch would be fine. He wasn't picky. Getting less picky by the minute as a matter of fact. Give him a glass full of whiskey and he'd been even less picky. He looked up longingly at the bar. Then rethought his thought. Hmm. Maybe he didn't need a drink. Maybe that bar held other possibilities....  
  
"Jack! I'm talking to you!" Irina said, pinching him.  
  
"Oh, sorry, I was... unable to hear since you screamed in my ear. And let me assure you, that's not the kind of screaming I was anticipating hearing tonight ---"  
  
"Jack!" Irina bit her lip to keep from laughing. She had seen his gaze measuring that bar. "How did my sister touch you intimately?"  
  
"Well, as you said, Miss English Teacher, define intimate. Because I suppose, in some dictionaries, having her poke her latex-clad fingers into my liver looking for lacerations would be considered intimate."  
  
"Oh. Just a knife wound. I thought it was something serious," Irina mumbled. "Sorry I screamed in your ear for something so inconsequential."  
  
"See, you get all upset for no reason," Jack reminded her.  
  
"Now, what's serious is this, Katya. WHY did you kiss my husband? For the last time?"  
  
"It's your own fault, sister dear."  
  
"How?"  
  
"You've treated him like a fondue pot. The kind of gift you put away and forget about until the next party."  
  
"Like a fondue pot?" Irina scoffed.  
  
"Well... Hmm. A fondue pot is something you generally share with others, so if---"  
  
"I don't think so!" Irina exclaimed.  
  
"But...perhaps you're right. Perhaps he's not the fondue pot. Perhaps he's... the melted chocolate in the fondue pot." Her eyes went up and down Jack. "A very large block of chocolate, I'm thinking. Probably... inexhaustible. And what luck! The night is still young." Katya shrugged and pointed at her watch. "Much can happen. Lots of time for nibbling and eating and suc--"  
  
"Nothing, nothing is going to happen with---" Jack began reassuringly as he felt Irina's hiss of breath against his shoulder. "You forget, she needs my permission to put her.... lipstick anywhere."  
  
"Good! And don't you forget, Jack Bristow, that to put anything anywhere you need my permission..."  
  
"Excuse me?" He asked, turning his head to glance at her. Someone was, he decided, a little too... sanguine about their constant absences. Truly how much was a man supposed to take? Cybersex left a man feeling cold, after all. Turning his head back to face Katya, he smiled and commented, "But speaking about permission, having seen you handle not one but two sharp instruments, perhaps you would not need my permission. Perhaps you would just ---"  
  
"Take it?" Katya smiled slowly at her sister's blank stare of outrage directed at her husband this time. Then grinned as Irina began pounding on her husband's back before he reached back and snatched her hands and pulled them around his waist, where he held onto them tightly. "Is that how you prefer it? When the woman just takes it? That can be arranged---"  
  
"Hmm." Jack winked at Katya. "I do like a woman who knows how to handle a knife."  
  
"I know how to handle a knife! Quite well too!" Irina protested.  
  
"True. But she handled two. Two.---"  
  
"I bet you could handle two."  
  
"That would be quite impressive. Or rather, it was, when you did it. With the knives." He smiled and said slowly, "Katya"  
  
"Jack Bristow!" Irina yelled. "You are dead meat! Dead. Meat."  
  
"Well, that would be a terrible waste. What was the line? Ah yes. A mind or... a man's meat is a terrible thing to waste?" She bit her lip as Irina's eyes blazed and she pushed against her husband, who just settled more firmly against her. "But perhaps, you've spent so much time apart that you've forgotten how to rouse---"  
  
"Jack. Let me up!"  
  
"Nope. My carpeting. My chair. My bar."  
  
"I... promise." Irina said it grudgingly. "I promise I won't damage your house or any contents within."  
  
"Including your sister?"  
  
"I promise no blood."  
  
Jack thought for a second. Then he shifted off of his wife and sat down on the couch, moved around trying to get comfortable. Sigh. It was more comfortable being on top of her. Well, perhaps that wasn't precisely true, it hadn't been more comfortable but it had certainly been... Hmm. He needed to think about other positions....  
  
He saw her looking at him curiously as she asked, "Jack? Jack? Are you with us? Didn't you sleep last night or---"  
  
"Humphf," Katya scoffed. "If that didn't sound like something a wife might ask---"  
  
"I am his wife!" Irina said, preparing to stand up, then plopping back onto the couch without much grace when Jack grabbed her shirt and hauled her down next to him.  
  
"Irina! The offer is still on the table." Jack began, then looking down at the pile of glass and metal that once was his coffee table, he shook his head. "Well, not on the table precisely, but..."  
  
"I'll buy you a new one. I already said that."  
  
Nodding at her he said, "I accept it. And the offer of none of your sister's blood and no more destruction of my house. But I'd like to add a proviso - none of my blood either."  
  
"Why do you feel that's necessary?" Irina asked sharply.  
  
"Oh, I don't know! Maybe because of the way you two fling glass around and-- -"  
  
"No. That's not it. I know that look on your face, Jonathan Donahue Bristow!" She shook his shoulder. "That's the same look you had on your face when I confronted you about the passive transmitter---"  
  
"But I thought you told me that you enjoyed what he did to insert that ---"  
  
"That's NOT the point, Katya! I didn't know he'd done it---"  
  
"Ah, yes. That was a good job." Jack sighed happily, as he stroked an index finger from the base of Irina's throat down over her chest. "In more ways than one, I must say. Honey, do you want to play that game later? The inser- -"  
  
"Jack!" Irina slapped his hand away. "What did you do that I don't know about?"  
  
"Why don't you take the bait from me? Just your sister?" Jack complained.  
  
"Well, Jack, no one can push every button. Although I'd be willing, quite willing to let you try." Katya paused. "On me."  
  
"He's not touching anyone's buttons but MINE!" Irina exclaimed.  
  
"I do believe I'll accept as a good... character reference the fact that you apparently do know how to push the buttons you do push on my sister," Katya reminded him.  
  
"Ah, true. Button, button, who's got the button?" Jack said in a sing-song voice as he trailed a hand up Irina's thigh.  
  
"JACK!" Irina squealed, then giggled as she pushed his hand away. Jack was amusing. "I know this game too. You're still trying to distract me. By being silly." She sighed happily. Jack in one of these moods was so rare... It reminded her of when they were kids. She glared at her sister. She wanted him to herself. Therefore she needed to ditch the sister....Speaking of which, she had noticed a ditch on the way here that just might be the perfect size for her. That pipsqueak. She giggled again as Jack raised his eyebrows and wiggled his fingers at her.  
  
"Well, does it work?" Jack asked, as he reached a hand toward Irina's chest. "There's another button. Or two."  
  
Katya smiled behind her hand. "Just as a helpful hint, it looks like her shirt has six buttons, Jack."  
  
"Mmm. I suppose. But only two that really matter. Right, Irina? I mean, it's been a awhile, a very long while. I might have forgotten. Refresh my memory..." Jack said with a grin, as he toyed with the top button on his wife's shirt.  
  
"Refresh my memory, husband." Irina said with a smile of her own as she grabbed Jack's hand. "What did you do that you don't want me to know about?"  
  
"Nothing---" Jack began.  
  
Then he groaned as Katya said smugly, "What he neglected to tell you before was that I may have kissed him first, but he did kiss me back."  
  
Well, s***. There went the notion of getting comfortable.  
  
TBC 


	6. Chapter 6

Well, s***. There went the notion of getting comfortable.  
  
"You are dead meat!" She pulled back her hand.  
  
"Honey, you really don't want my meat to be dead, now do you?" Jack asked cajolingly. Think quickly, man, think... Ah, channel Marshall. "Wouldn't you rather my meat be alive and pulsing, beating--- Well, since you're finally here I don't need to beat my meat, but if you'd like to take a stab- -- No, wait. You're knife is over there. And this is really more of a blunt instrument, after all. So that won't work. Unless you prefer a blunt instrument and I do believe you do..."  
  
She blinked at him and rubbed her temple, where her head was suddenly pounding. "What the hell.... Where were we?"  
  
"Dead meat," Katya said helpfully.  
  
He smiled at his wife as her fist hit the pillow he had quickly pulled to cover his midsection. Thank god for quick reflexes, he thought as he felt the thud reverberate throughout his torso even with the pillow cushioning the blow. Looking at her, he smiled again, enjoying himself as he asked eagerly, "Are you going to use that strength for good instead of evil later? I'd be willing to---"  
  
"Why did you kiss her back?" Irina asked, trying to pull the pillow away from him. Trying to ignore his offer, which threatened, once again, to make her smile. His ability to make her laugh in the middle of an argument had saved his life more times than she cared to remember.  
  
He tugged back, debated about letting it go just to watch her fall on her butt. But no, the glass was behind her and he didn't want to spend the night picking glass out of her ass. He'd much rather find something else to do with her ass. He looked up and grinned, before realizing that might be a mistake as he said, "I was... curious." That was as good an explanation as any the writers might come up with.  
  
"About what?" Irina snarled, finally wresting the pillow away from him. Then she looked at it quizzically. What the hell did she want with the pillow anyway? Where was her knife, she thought, as she patted down her leg. Oh, yeah. She had thrown it into the bedroom door. She winced, Jack was ticked about that. Maybe she'd just leave it there for now. Later, however.... She smiled, anticipating the fun, as always, of the knife game.  
  
"Having fun thoughts?" Jack asked, grinning. "I was thinking about this pillow and using it to raise-"  
  
"Jack." She began to smile in return, then looked away to gain composure. Then firming her lips she said sternly, "There will be no fun of any kind until you answer my question. About what were you curious? What did you want to know when you kissed my sister?"  
  
"Not gonna let that go, are you?" He sighed. "I wanted to see -- in the interests of... scientific research of course---"  
  
"Of course." Irina rolled her eyes and vowed she would not smile.  
  
"Yes. You see, I wanted to ascertain if there were any other family resemblances than a smart mouth, an intriguing accent and a propensity for inflicting serious bodily damage with knives. I mean, what were you doing when you were kids when you should have been playing with an Easy Bake Oven? Playing with the Easy Head-Off Knife Kit? You know, in Canada we just played hockey. Good clean violent fun." Let's see if she'd get the tiniest bit distracted....  
  
"But it's just a game, hockey. You don't get anything from it," Irina noted. "You need to gain something for your efforts from every---"  
  
"Sometimes you just have to have fun, Irina. And besides, I learned some of my best moves in hockey." He sighed. She was still giving him a skeptical look. Well, that hadn't worked. Her tenacity, when not applied correctly, as in the bedroom or hopefully on the top of that bar, was becoming annoying. He sighed. "Honey, you're suspicious? I'm so surprised. But... Alright, the truth is... I kissed her back because she tasted, kissed like you. It must be genetic, you know---"  
  
She looked at the pillow. Ah. That's what it was good for. She slammed him on the head with it.  
  
He laughed. Laughed! Where was her knife! She ground her teeth as he continued, "So, I could pretend it was you if I closed my eyes - which I do when I'm kissing anyone, including of course, you. Only you! Generally speaking, that is ---"  
  
"Jack!" She lifted the pillow again.  
  
"I thought that was a good one," Jack sighed. With a swift movement, he snatched the pillow away from her. Sitting back, he put the pillow and his hands behind his head on the back cushions of the couch. "Oh well. Give me whatever punishment you want. I can handle it."  
  
"Well, I can certainly dish it out, if you're not willing, Irina--" Katya said loudly and clearly.  
  
"Jack..." Irina sighed, congratulating herself on ignoring her sister. Belatedly realizing that for some reason Katya was trying to push her buttons. She just had to ascertain the reason why. Katya always had a reason. She was never one to torture someone for no good reason. Well, not a family member, anyway. Then she sighed, it could be just for the fun of it. Katya was the big tease in the family. An overdeveloped sense of humor, their mother had once called it. Elena had called it annoying. Before throwing the smallest sister across the room. Throwing Jack across the room was sounding like an excellent idea too, she decided, as she watched him smile smugly at Katya. "Jack! I know what you're doing. So shut up. This is between me and my sister."  
  
"But I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm in the middle of some... issue that will concern me---"  
  
"And... you." Irina turned back to her sister. "Again. Explain what possessed you to kiss my husband. If you dare."  
  
"My, I'm so nervous. What is next? Are you going to hit number one on your speed dial, call our mother and tell on me like you did when we were children?"  
  
"Irina was a snitch?" Jack asked, surprised.  
  
"Absolutely." Katya nodded. "Amazingly...snitch-like. 'Mommy! Mommy! Katya and Elena'---"  
  
"Only in Russian." Jack nodded too. "You know Irina, I've had a hard day and at the rate we're going, it's unfortunately not going to get any harder. So do me a favor and amuse me. Imitate yourself and say that in Russian for me like when you were a little girl. Mommy.... Oh and make sure to use that whine that Katya put in her voice, if you don't mind a little direction...."  
  
"Shut up. I don't care to amuse you at my expense---"  
  
"Let me finish the story, if you won't let Jack tell you what he wants. Which, speaking woman to woman, seems like a mistake to me, but..." Katya shrugged. "Your loss. Now, where were we? Oh yes, your amazing snitch-like qualities. In fact----"  
  
"You deserved it! You were supposed to be taking care of me ---"  
  
"Oh but I did, that one time when it really counted. And that's why I'm here, you owe me, don't you?"  
  
Irina stopped breathing for a second and Jack stared at her curiously as red flushed her face and she spoke rapidly. "One time. Perhaps. Most of the time you hardly protected me. Instead you'd do... I remember that time we were behind the warehouse ---"  
  
"Doing what?" Jack asked curiously.  
  
"Oh, looking for spent shell casings." Irina shrugged. "You know, regular children's playtime activities."  
  
"Yeah. In hell. But do go on, I'm fascinated. What a charming bedtime story. Tell me more."  
  
"We were behind the warehouse, which had this steep hill behind it. Covered with litter and broken glass--"  
  
"Let me guess." Jack rolled his eyes. "Vodka bottle glass."  
  
"What else? And she conned me into sliding down that hill on a piece of cardboard as if it were a toboggan in winter!" Irina glared at her sister.  
  
Jack thought, hmm. So, Katya is, as we've seen tonight, good at manipulating her sister. He asked quickly, "Was Elena that good at conning you into dubious activities?"  
  
"No. Just her. Katya can manipulate anyone and anything! Even---"  
  
"That's an interesting tidbit to know about her. The ability to manipulate is a valuable one." Jack looked at Katya and nodded. She looked back at him and nodded very slightly, which Irina failed to notice as Jack continued, asking brightly, "Now, does that apply to individual... parts as well as the entire person?" Jack asked, grinning. Just what was she doing, what was the point of her manipulation of her sister this time. "Once again, I'm curious.... Scientific research and all...."  
  
"Jack! You're just trying to annoy me."  
  
"And it's working. I have to take these small pleasures since I'm clearly not getting any big ones anytime soon."  
  
Irina counted to ten. In several languages. Then taking a deep breath she continued the story. "So. That slide down that hill. That's where I got that scar on my knee - you know the one."  
  
"Yes, I do. I do believe I am acquainted with every scar on your body," Jack said, leering at his wife. "I'll kiss it later and make it feel better."  
  
"So you will." Irina smiled. Then glaring at her sister, she added., "And I have another scar on my lower back from another time when she---"  
  
"This is..." Katya yawned elaborately. "Quite boring. Child's play. Surely you are over your... insecurities from childhood."  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Insecurities. You remember - being so tall and skinny that no boy would look at you twice?"  
  
Jack shook his head. "Soviet men must be blind then, Irina. I always thought you were beautiful." He had decided that as amusing as this had been, perhaps it was time to try and steer these proceedings to a halt. If he could. Maybe he was just along for the ride. He had a feeling that the collateral damage - to him - might be more than he wanted. He need to conserve his energy, after all. Irina would probably keep him up most of the night, but he had a busy day tomorrow after she skipped out, per usual, after he fell asleep. Valentine's Day was coming up and he was meeting a contact to order her a custom-made grenade launcher. He'd like to get to bed or whatever surface they might be sleeping on tonight, if they slept, sooner rather than later. Then looking over at his wife's tense face, he added softly as he took her hand and rubbed the center of her palm with his thumb, "Do you remember, what I told you on our wedding day? That you would always be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, because once I saw you I never saw another woman?"  
  
Irina smiled at her husband and began to relax again, when Katya spoke up. "Very nice, Jack. And ah yes, sister, I do recall you telling us how... facile Jack was with his words. Or was it - excuse me if I am confused. American English. All those nuances, shadings of meanings. Was it that Jack was good with his words or was it that Jack was good with his mouth?"  
  
"Kat---"  
  
"Oh well, it makes no difference. I.." She licked her lips, "Have reason to know he's quite good with both. Now. Now that he's kissed me back."  
  
"Jack, explain to me again why---"  
  
"Honey, I'm not going to get drawn into this argument. I'm just not."  
  
"What--- Why not?"  
  
"Irina.. My wife, my darling. I love you, but every day for almost ten years, we argued about... something. You like to argue. Arguing is a hobby of yours, one I have a faint inkling your sister also shares. And given how stubborn you are, you won't give up an argument even when it's in your best interests to just keep your mouth shut, like now.... Given that...given that she's goading you to argue with you, not me - I'm just taking cover. After all, I'm just an innocent bystander in this Derevko family drive by--- "  
  
"That kiss did not feel entirely innocent to me," Katya said, licking her lips. "It felt---"  
  
"Felt... what?" Irina hissed.  
  
"Well... he does taste good--"  
  
"He tastes what?" Irina exclaimed, moving in her sister's direction, then trying to twist away from Jack when he pulled her back to him.  
  
"Good. G-O-O-D. Should I speak in Russian so that you can understand?"  
  
"No. I get your point! I just don't understand... your point."  
  
"My point..." Katya paused. "And I do have more than one, is that, as you know, because surely you've kissed him tonight---" She paused when Jack shook his head.  
  
"Nope. Just got a knife to my throat when I came home. No kiss." He paused to pout. Then sighed, that usually worked, but she was being stubborn right now. Oh well. "And may I say, wife, that there is something seriously twisted---"  
  
"Jack, I'm going to seriously twist your---"  
  
"Please, don't." Katya urged. "What a waste when I haven't yet---"  
  
"Jack! Will you help--"  
  
"I'm neutral. Like Switzerland. She's your sister. Not mine. Because that would be truly seriously twisted."  
  
Irina laughed and relaxed.  
  
Jack smiled back at her. "And I'm also thinking that I'm glad Sydney was an only child if this is what sibling rivalry in this family is like. So... I might as well get comfortable. Wake me when it's over---"  
  
"Wake you!" Irina said. "How can you sleep---"  
  
"Oh, you may be right. You want to get me a drink?"  
  
"Get you a what?" Irina asked indignantly, hands on her hips. "Do you think I'm a waitress or---"  
  
"No, of course not. But when we were married, occasionally you actually gave me something..."  
  
"I gave you... something nearly every night we were married for all those years, might I remind you? But at the rate you're going tonight, you'd be lucky to get two fingers of whiskey from me---"  
  
"Would you be satisfied with just two fingers?" Jack asked, grinning.  
  
"Well, I know I wouldn't..." Katya said as she approached Jack lying on the couch. "Here, Jack." She handed him a tumbler. "The way you like it, I believe."  
  
"How did you know that?" Irina hissed, glaring at Jack. As if it were his fault, somehow. Somehow, he sighed, he supposed it was. It was always the man's fault, a lesson learned long ago during their marriage.  
  
"I'm staying out of this," Jack said, sipping his drink.  
  
"I know what he drinks because I pay attention. Details, remember those, details? When I came to Sydney's apartment the first night, he was reading Alice in Wonderland and drinking ---"  
  
"Those details are not for you to notice about him." Irina swiped the glass from his hand and stomping across the room refilled it. He held out his hand, then dropped it when she drained it in one gulp. She filled it yet again and finally gave it to him. He drained it in one gulp. He had a feeling he was going to prefer being slightly drunk by the time this evening ended. Getting up, he went over to the bar and picked up the bottle. Hmm. Half full or half empty? What a stupid question. Shortly, it was going to be empty. He carried it back over to the couch and sat down as Katya continued speaking. Didn't she ever shut up? Irina didn't tell him enough, but this one... He sighed and poured himself two fingers. Nope, let's go for three.  
  
"Oh really? Besides you are not always so careful with your own details."  
  
"Such as?" Irina asked, standing next to the house, the pile of glass still between her and her sister.  
  
"Keeping track of time, for one thing." Katya shrugged. "I told you to not rely on those Rambadli devices--"  
  
"It's Rambald, Rambaldi, not Rambadli! How many times do I have to tell you?"  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested in bad science fiction?" Katya shrugged. "Why use Rambadli to tell time when a good Rolex or even a twenty dollar Timex or a calendar would do the trick. But if you don't know how to do a... trick, perhaps you need to refer to your old textbooks and notes from the academy. I believe our mother still has them in the attic. Want to give her a call?"  
  
Irina lunged at her sister, stopped by Jack's arm on hers. "Honey..." Jack hissed, pulling her back toward him. Looking up at Katya, he said, "Excuse us?" Katya nodded and stepped back, moving to pour herself a drink from a different bottle.  
  
"Good selection here, Jack. I do appreciate a man who is well...stocked."  
  
Irina growled and Jack put a hand on her other arm as he asked, "Irina...did she always do this to you... push your buttons?"  
  
"Yes! I was the smarter one, but she always knew how to play me, from the time we were little children---"  
  
"She's doing that now, you realize. It's just sibling rivalry. Probably the oldest game in the world. Find out what she really wants, if it's anything other than to annoy you."  
  
"I know that!"  
  
"Then act on it. Don't you want her out of here? I know I do..." Jack whispered, running a finger down her arm. "Sooner rather than later." He picked up her hand and kissed it. "I made a drawer for you in my nightstand in the bedroom and filled it with all sorts of interesting toys and I've just been waiting -- so long, I might add -- for you to visit and open that drawer, so---"  
  
Irina straightened and began speaking rapidly. "What are you doing here? Certainly you have better ways to spend your time than taunting me and ogling my husband."  
  
"Would I?" Katya said calmly, sipping her own drink. "Seems as if it's time well spent to me. How about you?"  
  
Jack looked up wondering if Irina's head was really going to explode. It certainly looked like it might. And that would be the kind of mess his carpet shampooer might not be capable of handling . He might have to call in professionals for that and that would violate his security protocols. He shuddered. That was unacceptable, but Irina had to deal with her sister on her own. Mrs. Derevko had told him that it was time Irina learned how to handle Katya. He had agreed. He squeezed Irina's hand in encouragement.  
  
"Jack..." Irina looked at him imploringly.  
  
"Switzerland. Cuckoo clocks, chocolate, untraceable bank accounts."  
  
"Jack, I'll cuckoo you, I swear---"  
  
"Just don't ruin my carpet with blood stains, that's all I ask." Jack picked up his drink, drained it, put the glass back down and flopped down on the couch. Turning over, his back to them, he added. "Let me know when the mayhem is over and I'll patch up whoever is still alive."  
  
"And Arvin Sloane," Katya reminded them both. "In Switzerland. Surely, Jack that is not where you want to be."  
  
"Arvin Sloane." Irina's lip curled. "He must die."  
  
"I---" Jack began, starting to roll back over.  
  
Irina spoke faster. "I call it!"  
  
"I'll flip you for it," Jack offered.  
  
"The last time you flipped me for something, I landed---"  
  
"Tails down." He sighed happily as he reached out and patted her butt. "And a good time was had by all."  
  
She stifled a grin. "Jack..."  
  
"I'd be... up for flipping again. How about you?" Jack smiled. When Irina just smiled in return, he laid back down and turned over, sighing happily. Let's see. Knives. Flipping. And he had quite the assortment he had to show her in his drawer. No. Her drawer. No, maybe their drawer. Yes, they could share. But, then again, Irina had never been good about sharing... Hmm. He needed to think about this, he sighed, as he shifted around.  
  
"Is he truly going to sleep?" Katya asked curiously.  
  
Irina shrugged. "If he wants to, he can sleep through anything. As any of us can in this business. But you did not visit, uninvited I might add, to ask about my husband's sleeping patterns."  
  
"Didn't I? But they might prove interesting. When he wakes up in the morning is he one of those men who's just... ready to face the day? Because being a morning person myself, I can appreciate that... readiness."  
  
Irina clenched her fists. Reminded herself that they were not children anymore. She did not have to allow Katya to push her buttons. She was The Man, a feared and respected international crime leader, she was---  
  
"You look upset, my sister. Is there anything troubling you?"  
  
Ready to kill.  
  
"What is troubling me is the purpose of your visit."  
  
"Perhaps it is just a friendly visit on my family."  
  
"And perhaps," Irina spat out derisively. "Osama bin Laden will be seen tomorrow cavorting at a Las Vegas casino with a showgirl under each arm. A bottle of Jim Bean at his elbow. Clean shaven and clean smelling."  
  
"Stranger things have happened," Jack muttered. "Dead wives return from the dead. Mine. Sloane's. And then there's the whole molecular transponder business, which I always had trouble believing. To say nothing of Rambadli's--- Ouch!" Jack exclaimed when Irina smacked his butt. He grinned however when her hand lingered for a second or two longer than strictly necessary. "Don't like that example? How about when Sydney dove out of the hotel balcony from the eighteenth floor into a swimming pool of normal depth and didn't die."  
  
"I thought it was the twenty-eighth floor," Katya said quizzically. "But I'm not good with numbers, remember."  
  
"It doesn't matter. Jack, you've forgotten. Sydney can do anything."  
  
"True. My error. I forgot that Project Christmas was really all about transforming children into Energizer Bunnies that keep going and going and going. To say nothing of the fact that when she leapt off of the balcony she didn't have the necklace on her anywhere, but later on she had it--"  
  
"The continuity girl was on vacation, apparently," Katya nodded. "Or perhaps an extended coffee break. Union rules and all that."  
  
Jack sat up and began to swing his feet around. "True. She and I often have coffee together when I disappear from an episode to make room for the triangle."  
  
"If you two think you are distracting me you're not succeeding." Irina crossed her arms over her chest.  
  
"But honey, the point of the triangle is to distract us from the fact of your absence."  
  
"Are you saying the three-sided monster that was eating the show is all my fault?" Irina snarled. "Because I can assure you that---"  
  
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'd never say that. But... I do miss you, you know," Jack said softly.  
  
"I miss you too," Irina said equally softly. Then turning to her sister, she demanded, "Kat, tell me now."  
  
"Fine. I'm here because you owe me," Katya said firmly. "And I think you know how, why, and when. You just didn't know who."  
  
"No. You cannot---"  
  
"Family rules. The person to whom is owed the debt is the one who chooses the time, place and method of repayment."  
  
"You cannot be serious!"  
  
"I am completely serious. I choose Jack as my repayment."  
  
Jack snapped to a full and upright sitting position.  
  
"Now you pay attention?" Irina snarled at him.  
  
"Now, it's getting interesting," Jack said, picking up the bottle. 


	7. Chapter 7

"Now, it's getting interesting," Jack said, picking up the bottle.  
  
"Interesting? In what way?" Irina said, glaring at him as he took a drink. Then she shook her head. "Forget it. Your opinion is neither needed nor requested in this familial negotiation."  
  
Jack spun to face her. "Excuse me? I'm being offered up like a.. bonus prize or a perk to the winner and so you'll have to excuse me for thinking that I might have---"  
  
Katya interjected. "I do like a man who's polite. Remember, Irina, how Mother always said there was no substitute for a man who said please and thank you. Although..." her eyes went up and down Jack once again. "I have a feeling I'll be the one saying thank you. More than once, with any luck."  
  
"I have not agreed to this at all!" Irina slammed her hand down on the couch. "So stop putting ...your cart before his horse, counting your orgasms before they are hatched and generally---"  
  
"Excuse ME! Again!" Jack bellowed. "I'd like to be allowed to venture an opinion as to what slot I'd like to insert my tab!"  
  
"Tab? Slot? I do not comprehend---" Katya said, confused.  
  
"You have not spent enough time in the cultural wasteland of America to understand their native humor. Such as it is," Irina said derisively.  
  
"Yeah, because all of those Russian jokes about Chernobyl and standing in line for toilet paper really bring down the house, Irina." Jack smirked. Irina debated about slapping him, that smirk was really annoying.  
  
Katya laughed. At Irina's glare, she shrugged. "I thought that was amusing. And Russian comics do tend to---"  
  
"I know that. That's not the point."  
  
"What is the point?" Jack asked.  
  
"I've forgotten," Irina muttered.  
  
"Well, perhaps we should sit down and discuss this as if at least two of us are rational human beings," Katya suggested.  
  
"I'm all for that!" Jack exclaimed happily as he looked out of the corner of his eye at his wife. This was good, she looked ready to explode. He was hoping he could transfer all of that heated emotion to something more useful. Although... perhaps he might want to keep the knife away from her for a little while. Sitting down on the couch he pulled her down next to him. He picked up the bottle of whiskey and took a drink straight from the neck. He had a feeling he was going to need it, he decided as he watched Irina cross her arms over her chest and begin idly kicking at the glass shards in front of her.  
  
"Let us think," Katya began, stroking her chin, as she sat down in a chair. One without a slice from a glass shard. "Where to begin? Hmm. I believe it might be best, Irina, if - in the interests of time efficiency - you would give me a synopsis of Jack's preferences."  
  
"You must be insane!" Irina called out. "I'm not telling you anything."  
  
"Oh well. That is your choice, of course. Now, it won't bother me in the slightest to take my time - all night in fact - to deduce Jack's preferences. As you know, I am renowned for my abilities at thorough investigations.... Or you can just tell me. Your choice."  
  
Jack coughed into his hand. "Do I get a vote?"  
  
"No!" Irina and Katya said simultaneously.  
  
Jack just stared back and forth from one sister to the other, wondering what was happening now and how he fit into this puzzle. Somehow he didn't think it had much, or very much, to do with his tab. Speaking of which, he needed another drink. He picked up the bottle, but Irina snatched it from him and took a long gulp. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she handed it to him. He held it up to Katya, who shook her head.  
  
"Irina..." She began. "This is not a social call. You have a debt to repay."  
  
Jack looked at his wife. Holding up the bottle, he took a drink before noting, "The last time she said that a man ended up with sharp instruments in his hands. You might want to think before refusing. I'd hate to see any part of you damaged, but especially those... talented hands of yours." He picked up her hand and kissed it once again. "So be careful in your negotiations."  
  
Irina stared at her sister. Then repeated, still incredulous, holding tightly onto her husband's hand, "You truly want me to repay you by giving you Jack for a night. You honestly expect that I will concede---"  
  
"Yes. It is the family code, after all. And it seems a simple exchange to me, especially given the fact that since you are not with him regularly you certainly cannot be as... possessive as you are evincing tonight. Then there is the nature of that debt you owe me---"  
  
"We do not need to examine the nature of that debt and--"  
  
"Excuse me," Jack said, holding up his hand. "First of all, I'd like to know what kind of debt you might have incurred, Irina, that might necessitate your loaning me out like a weedwacker on a suburban Sunday morning. And further, I feel I should point out that I am not a... whore to be ...."  
  
"Oh really, Jack?" Irina said snidely. "Just what were you doing in Panama?"  
  
"Oh." That was a sore point with her. "So, maybe I should just shut up."  
  
"Maybe you should. Let me handle the negotiations." Let me figure a way out of this mess, she thought, grabbing onto his arm and holding it tightly.  
  
"Yes, let us begin. Again. But first this phrase... cart before the horse? These quaint Americanisms you have acquired."  
  
"I meant... don't put your... orgasm before his dick!"  
  
"Hmm. Have an issue with that, do you? Well, one of the benefits of being a woman is that a dick is not strictly necessary. Nice but... A hand can work wonders. To say nothing of a mouth and looking at Jack's mouth, I can imagine, but then again, I don't really need to imagine any more, do I---"  
  
"You're not getting anywhere near his mouth even if I do agree to this! Hands... I would agree to one hand only and---."  
  
"Fine. I'll take the left hand---"  
  
"s***! You figured that out?" Irina groaned in frustration.  
  
"That he's left handed? Sister, I told you before I notice details. So, yes I'll take the left hand since that has the most dexterity. But what will we do with the other hand? Oooh, I know..." Katya smirked and reaching into her other pocket pulled out a thin length of cording.  
  
"Those pockets are astonishing," Jack said, staring in amazement. Then groaned when Irina slapped him hard on the arm.  
  
"I notice, sister, that you smacked him on the left arm. Damaging the goods will not negate the contract terms. If he is unable to perform tonight as specified, I can always return. After all, I have no problem returning to visit your husband whenever the need requires it...."  
  
"Not a problem, Katya," Jack said, wiggling the fingers on his left hand for them all to see. "I'm fully functional. I always am."  
  
"I'm counting on that reliability, of course. I wonder how many times tonight---" Katya looked down and began counting on her fingers.  
  
"I told you before not to count your orgasms before you have them! Keep this up and you will be counting your fingers to see if you still possess ten by the time you leave tonight, Kat!" Irina snarled and tried once again to lunge for her sister, who was still swinging that cording back and forth. "I'm going to wrap that cord around your neck and--- Ooopmph!" She exhaled when Jack hauled her back and plopping her on his lap, wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. She wiggled around, muttering, "Let me go! Let me get her!"  
  
"Oh, I believe that Jack is the one who will be - as you say - getting me tonight," Katya said calmly.  
  
Jack smiled at Irina's shriek, then hid it. Wearing his best imitation of innocence - and it was a lucky break, he thought, that in his line of work that face was required infrequently, he said, "There is one way to settle this..."  
  
"What?" The sisters asked together, turning identical looks of annoyance toward him.  
  
"You could... share," Jack suggested, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Ah." Katya nodded. "That is a possibility. That way, sister, you would not be... missing anything. Worrying your possessive---"  
  
"You know, I was never enamored of sharing my toys when we were children," Irina warned, trying her best not to explode. There was a way out of this trap, surely, she thought. No one would fault her for breaking the family's code, would they? She sighed. Her mother would be very disappointed in her if she broke the honor code. But honestly, having to share her husband seemed a bit much. Would her mother have done that with Aunt Anya? Ew. Wait, she didn't want to think about that. "No... I didn't like it then when you borrowed my knives and chemistry kits so---"  
  
"And that is logical, of course. We had so few toys. I have always regretted the fact that Elena and I accidentally destroyed your miniature thermonuclear bomb kit. Our apologies. But... Jack is a big man. A great deal of man... To share, is there not?"  
  
Irina stared at her sister. Jack bent his head whispered in her ear, "You know I'll always love you best, don't you?" She nodded and relaxed. "And besides... I'm sure she can never match you in the bedroom, even if she's older, probably has more experience...."  
  
Irina stiffened and pushed him away. He let her slide off of him to sit on the couch as she sputtered, "I know what you're doing... You, you, you... stupid... MAN."  
  
Hmm, she was awfully cute when she did that, but he decided he wouldn't say that right now. Katya would have to visit more often. It was... enjoyable to watch Irina lose control. He'd rather she was losing control in the bedroom, or... that bar. He was still interested in the possibilities of the height of that bar....  
  
"Men have their uses," Katya noted. "Speaking of which, let's get back to the negotiations. Or rather.... your helpful information on the...product in question. Tell me is the extended service warranty still in effect?"  
  
Jack vowed that he would not laugh. He would not. No, his time would be better spent cataloguing the many shades of red his wife's face was turning. And imagining what kind of debt would necessitate this failure to just refuse the demand. Lord knew, she had no trouble refusing his demands, requests, that they see each other more frequently. Humphf, so she could suffer a little before he put his own foot down.  
  
To his surprise, Irina suddenly slammed her hand down. Unfortunately missing the couch and hitting his thigh.  
  
"Great, hon. I'll have a bruise there tomorrow."  
  
"Oooh. That's a shame. I could---" Katya began, her eyes glinting with amusement as she watched her sister's face go from red to purple.  
  
"This is over. Because it's not happening. I will not share. No." Irina shook her head. "Not negotiable."  
  
Jack put the bottle to his lips and began to take a drink. Finally. He was starting to think it was Singapore---  
  
Katya looked at her sister quizzically. "Since when are you so possessive? For twenty years he was free to go and come with anyone he so chose. As you know, courtesy of the surveillance you set on him for the last several years when you were planning your return....And you know he can handle two. Remember the tape from Singapore? That little trick we were talking about earlier that he did with---"  
  
Jack spewed whiskey out of his mouth across the carpeting. Damn it! At least he had his own carpet shampooer these days. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he plunked the bottle down hard on the floor, then stood up. "Singapore!" he yelled. "Singapore.... You have a tape of that time I... No."  
  
"Irina's an afficionado of the medium of videotaping. Didn't you know?"  
  
"It's never come up before! At least that I know of. Irina... should I be having Marshall come in and do a scan for me each time you visit?"  
  
"Don't be silly. I'd never tape myself in that sit..." Oops. Irina bit her lip. Damn Katya, she flustered her.  
  
Watching Jack's face turn red now, Katya spoke up. "Jack, didn't it occur to you to wonder how she knew about the kiss? I certainly did not tell her."  
  
"No. You didn't." Irina said it suspiciously. "You knew, however, that as usual, I had my surveillance crew on Jack, so that I would find it immediately with my video feed---"  
  
"WHAT THE HELL does that mean? Your surveillance crew? 'As usual'?" Jack yelled, grabbing his wife's arm and pulling her up and around to look at him. "Is there a recorder in this house?"  
  
"No! I just said I'd never tape myself! And ...You... You... Snitch! You're the snitch!" Irina exclaimed, pointing at her sister. "You've been waiting decades for this moment, haven't you? Ever since I told Mother you'd borrowed her thigh holster for your senior prom!"  
  
"Revenge is sweet," Katya said, taking another sip of her drink and then licking her lips. "Very sweet indeed..." she added, looking Jack up and down, "If what I saw on that tape is true...."  
  
"Irina! The tape... You want to explain---" Jack began, tugging on her arm.  
  
"Oh. Did I forget to mention that I've been..." She bit her lip. Uh-oh. He was not looking very happy about this.  
  
"She's been having you tailed for years... Or rather, should I say, she's been having your tail...tailed for years. She's been keeping tabs on you... Because she missed you so--"  
  
"A birthday card might have been more appropriate!" Jack commented. "Valentine's Day... Our wedding anniversary. All moments for which Hallmark makes a card. Even if they don't make one that says, 'Gee, honey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not. Surprise.' That, that would have been better in a phone call or--- Irina, you had better be planning on playing that variation on the knife game tonight, because--"  
  
"Jack. Forget about your little knife game for a moment. Focus." Katya said sharply. "So, you see, we know all about Singapore. And I must say, Jack, that I was certainly impressed that certain attributes are in proportion..."  
  
"What the hell does that mean?" Irina asked, wishing this conversation had never begun. Although... that apology game was certainly enjoyable. She began to brighten. If she could only get rid of Katya---  
  
Who was grinning as she looked at her brother-in-law and asked, "Yes. Proportion is a good thing. So...What size shoe do you wear?"  
  
Glaring at his wife, then looking over at her sister, Jack answered, "You, Katya, just may be finding out." He looked back at Irina, raising an eyebrow, as he pointed out, "After all, wife, it appears that there are NO secrets in this family. Sharing seems to be an important family rule. Except for certain salient little details like... taping me in... Singapore! Singapore! I cannot believe you saw that---"  
  
"I could not believe you did that! I was shocked---"  
  
"I was... lonely." There, he was proud of himself. He had not ended that sentence with a question mark. Not, he sighed, that he thought she'd buy it, but... one had to make an effort.  
  
"That wasn't lonely! That was degenerate!" Irina said, pulling her arms away from her husband's hands.  
  
"Hey, I thought I was unmarried." Jack shrugged. Then smiling, he added, "Had I known I was being taped for the Derevko Theater department's home movie night I might have---"  
  
"Well, I enjoyed it," Katya said, looking from her sister to Jack, as she picked up her drink and took a sip.  
  
"You have always enjoyed degenerate sexual theater," Irina accused, still smarting over seeing that tape so long ago.  
  
"What did you say?" Jack asked sharply. Then groaning, he muttered to himself, "Oh god, it must be genetic. I think I'll kill myself now... Where is that knife?"  
  
"Jack, what's the matter?" Irina asked, seeing how white his face had gotten.  
  
"Her ...boyfriend, when she was Julia." Jack mumbled the words. "That Simon... he said he and Julia.... he called it degenerate sexual theater."  
  
"Ew!" Irina exclaimed. "Poor Jack..." she said sympathetically, patting his arm.  
  
"Do not dwell on that horror," Katya advised, shuddering herself. "I cannot believe he said that to you, knowing you were Sydney's father---"  
  
"I assume you killed him," Irina said flatly.  
  
"Of course." Jack shrugged.  
  
"Why?" Katya asked.  
  
"Well aside from everything else, he was wearing the stupidest hat I've ever seen in my life."  
  
"You killed him over headwear?" Katya asked.  
  
Jack shrugged. "It offended my sartorial sensibilities."  
  
"I'm not sure I understand---"  
  
"Jack's very picky about clothing choices," Irina told her sister.  
  
"True. His suits are lovely." Katya sighed. "Nice coats too."  
  
"Yes. Lovely coats. Where do you buy those coats anyway, Jack?" Irina asked, then shrugged at her sister when he just stared at her without answering. She sighed, "He has these beautiful, soft turtlenecks--"  
  
"Ah. Yes. Like the one I had to cut off you the other night," Katya noted. Irina opened her mouth, then closed it. "So, Jack has his issues with clothing. Oh, well, we all have our little peccadilloes," Katya agreed. "I for one cannot stand it when someone uses the wrong knife for the job."  
  
"I agree." Irina nodded. "Do you remember the pop quizzes around the dinner table about proper knife etiquette?"  
  
Jack shook his head. "Somehow I don't think the Derevko dinner discussions were about butter knives versus steak knives and when to use a shrimp fork."  
  
"Of course not. Who does that? What use is that to anyone? Kat... Remember how Elena always had a hard time with the Bowie knife questions?"  
  
"Yes." Katya nodded. "When she was little, she always thought Bowie was the rockstar David Bowie and---"  
  
"Father became so aggravated that she was listening to that capitalist --- What did he call it?" Irina wrinkled up her nose as she tried to remember.  
  
"Noise. And so he would assign her extra homework with... what was it again?"  
  
"The poison database. Elena has always hated data entry work, so that was an effective punishment for failing the meal-time weapons quiz."  
  
"Oh?" Jack asked. "What does Elena like?"  
  
"Hands on work. Hmm." Katya smiled at her sister. "Elena has never met Jack either has she?"  
  
"No!" Or so Irina was praying that was the truth "And she's not going to! We're not passing him around like.... like a bootleg copy of Victor Garber in Monkeys in the Attic." She glared at her sister who was wearing that very annoying, I-know-something-you-don't-know look.  
  
Katya smiled and decided to change the subject. "Do you remember that time our contact used a stiletto when a wide flat blade would have been more efficient that time in Budapest?"  
  
"It was Bucharest. And that was the last time he made that mistake. I cannot have incompetents in our employ."  
  
"You were always the best at human resource deployment," Irina noted. "But Jack? Are you sure you got away with killing this Simon? Did you cover your- --" Irina broke off at the look of disdain on her husband's face. "Sorry."  
  
"Oh? Is my opinion sought? Is it worth anything? Or...wait! I know, didn't you have your surveillance crew on me that night?"  
  
"No, actually, I didn't and I'm worried now that you might have compromised- -"  
  
"You insult me," Jack said in that tone that made everyone within hearing distance cringe. He looked down his nose and reminded her, "I've been in this business as long as you have, in case you've forgotten. And I'm still alive. So, of course no one recognized me. After all, I was wearing rimless glasses and my hair was flattened down."  
  
"Oh, well then," Katya nodded. "A perfect disguise." True, it had fooled Elena.  
  
"It worked for me," Jack said, still miffed. He wasn't an amateur. He had applied that beard in Kashmir quite well, thank you.  
  
"Your glasses always work for me," Irina said softly into Jack's ear, hoping to soften him up. Well, perhaps she didn't want to soften him precisely. Not everywhere. But he was still wearing that little frown that made the frown line between his eyebrows more prominent. If Katya -- that, that SNITCH, weren't here, she'd be kissing that little spot and cajoling him out of his anger, but.. Damn it, she was still here!  
  
"Wait. Costumes. Jack... " Katya asked, "Do you have costumes here? Because I could really enjoy---"  
  
"You're not going to enjoy---"  
  
"Do you like glasses, Katya?" Jack asked with every evidence of eagerness, as his wife stared at him incredulously. Then she sighed. This was payback. She waved him on resignedly as he continued, "Because Irina likes these round glasses I have that we use when we play this little game of head of the literature department and professor seeking tenure and--- Umphf!" Jack grinned as he exhaled after Irina's hard poke. It was looking more and more like he might be seeing that knife later on.  
  
"Who is the professor and who is the head of the department? Oh wait, I know, whose head I would pick...." Katya trailed off, waiting.... Really, Irina was just as easy to push as when they'd been little girls doing their homework, practicing knife throws in the backyard. Her aim was still affected by her emotional state. Such a failing....  
  
"We take TURNS!" Irina yelled, then wanted to slap herself. Why, why was she falling into this trap?  
  
"That can work for me," Katya said complacently. "So... are we all agreed?" 


	8. Chapter 8

"That can work for me," Katya said complacently. "So... are we all agreed?"  
  
"Just a moment, if you please," Jack said as he picked up the bottle again. "Before my virtue---Hey!" He exclaimed when both women snorted. "Before my honor and fidelity are compromised, I believe I am entitled to know just what debt I am being used as...currency to repay."  
  
"And you would be a big... bill, now wouldn't you?" Katya smirked, then laughed when her sister rolled her eyes. "Go ahead, tell him," she said, pointing at her sister.  
  
"Welll..." Irina began. "I...."  
  
"Well, what my sister finds so difficult to explain, is that there are several debts from which I could choose. Ranging from small to large, ranging from recompense of... a kiss to an entire night of bliss." Katya smiled. "Ah, my English... it is improving. I rhymed."  
  
"I'll frame you a certificate!" Irina growled. "But..several.... What are you talking about?" she demanded.  
  
Katya pulled a tiny Palm Pilot out of her pocket.  
  
Jack whispered to Irina, "You really need to get a pair of pants like that."  
  
Irina whispered back, "You really need to avoid giving me wardrobe advice."  
  
"But those pants are really quite useful. When I think of the items in that drawer in the bedroom...." Jack said suggestively and touched his bottom lip with his tongue. "And where we might transport them, use them, if you had pockets in which to put those... little toys I've acquired...."  
  
"Katya! Let's move this along!" Irina called out.  
  
"Do you want me to read from my list? Let's see. There's Mexico City, when you might not have evaded---"  
  
"I knew it!" Jack exclaimed. "I knew you had to have help and Sark was safely in custody and---"  
  
"Shut. Up." Irina snarled. "This isn't about you."  
  
"Seems like it's about me," Jack muttered. "Or at least my body."  
  
"And then there's the time I was monitoring your lap top and Jack im'd you and I ran and got you---"  
  
"Well, that was nice of you. Thank you, Katya," Jack said politely.  
  
She sighed. "Ah. I do love a grateful man. So many delightful ways to express gratitude, are there not? But... really, Irina can't spend all of her time sitting around, looking at her laptop and mooning over that screensaver of you she has---"  
  
"Oh? What image would that be?"  
  
"From your time in Kashmir."  
  
"Not when I was wearing the beard that ate the show?"  
  
"No. Although that was amusing, not like the triangle at all."  
  
"Can we move this along!" Irina complained. "Jack, I'll show you my screensaver---"  
  
"Honey, I don't give a crap about the screensaver. What I care about are those videos. I want them destroyed---"  
  
"Oh, well, I---"  
  
"Or perhaps I need to review them, examine them, ascertain how to improve my performance? I know, perhaps we could view them together and you could critique the woman---"  
  
"Or as in Singagpore, women---" Katya began, coughing lightly into her hand.  
  
"I'll destroy them already!" Irina conceded sullenly. Pointing at her sister, she admitted, "I comprehend your point. I owe you."  
  
"Yes. And I am calling in my debt."  
  
"Debt? Singular?"  
  
"Yes. I'll hold the others in reserve pending... further developments, other upcoming occasions."  
  
Irina ground her teeth. "You want me to repay you for--- No."  
  
"What the hell debt is it, already?" Jack exclaimed.  
  
"You are aware, Jack, that Irina and I both were working with Cuvee early in our careers--"  
  
"Why would I know that? I didn't know about Cuvee, that floppy-haired Frenchman, until I saw him standing across from me, licking my wife's face!"  
  
Irina demurred, "He wasn't precisely licking---"  
  
"Do you really want to define licking?"  
  
Irina grinned. "Well, as a former teacher, I do know that some pupils learn best with hands-on experiential techniques, so if you want to define licking for me, I'd be willing to --"  
  
"I'd be willing to settle for watching that definition," Katya interjected.  
  
"So, Irina. Do you really want to have this discussion right now?" Jack growled at her.  
  
"Wellll, maybe later would be better," Irina admitted. Then, her face brightening, she whispered coaxingly, "I'll let you lick anything you want."  
  
Jack crossed his arms and looked away, muttering, "Maybe I won't want to lick anything. Maybe this whole discussion has... ruined my appetite."  
  
"Irina, perhaps you should get to work in the kitchen whipping up some appetizers..." Katya suggested.  
  
"I'm thinking the bar..." Jack said, looking at the top of it longingly.  
  
"Jack, what is your fixation tonight with that bar?" Irina whispered.  
  
"It's an interesting height. I'm just trying to calculate, purely for scientific purposes, of course---"  
  
"Ah, yes. The same scientific purposes that led you to kiss me back?" Katya asked with a smile.  
  
"Kat! Just... get on with it. Go ahead." It was Irina's turn to cross her arms. She once again began kicking at those glass shards with her boot.  
  
"You owe me for the assignment Cuvee gave me. Three years....-"  
  
Irina began to laugh. "Oh. Sorry. I forgot it was that long--"  
  
"I didn't. You--" She pointed her finger at Irina. "You spoiled brat. 'Katya, dear, look after your little sister at the academy. She needs your help. Always remember to protect her.' Always, always, the little one always gets the best toys."  
  
"Toys?" Jack asked.  
  
"Yes. You."  
  
"I am not a toy!" Then he paused to smirk. "Hmm. There are worse fates. Would that be a hand-held toy or---"  
  
"Jack. Wipe that look off your face right now!" Irina exclaimed, slamming her hand into his shoulder.  
  
"Well, somehow I don't think you'd be a toy who would require batteries..." Katya added, just to see what shade of puce her sister might turn this time.  
  
"I believe we've already had the discussion about the fact that I'm always fully functional," Jack noted, with an amused glance at his wife. How long could her face stay that red before she began to melt? Hmm. He wondered what he'd have to do to get her entire body to turn red and begin to melt..... Oh, pay attention. Irina was looking at him with irritation and Katya with amusement. "But, I don't understand. What happened?" Jack asked, coughing lightly into his hand.  
  
"You could have been mine," Katya said with a grin.  
  
"Really? How? Do tell!" Jack said, biting his lip to hide his own grin. He wanted to play the knife game later, but he didn't really want to die.  
  
"Well, he wasn't yours!" Irina said, fighting the urge to stomp her foot. "And he's not going to be! You allowed me first choice!"  
  
"That was the last time I made that mistake, little sister or no," Katya said firmly, putting her arms in her pockets. Once again, Jack wondered what else she might have in those pockets.  
  
"Excuse me...." Jack said politely. "I feel that I am at a disadvantage here, not knowing obviously, the entire story. So, if someone could fill me in..." He added, winking at his sister-in-law.  
  
"Fill me in... Hmm. An interesting image, is it not, Irina?" Katya asked.  
  
"Kat!" Irina began. "Move your mouth---"  
  
"Oh, I can do that without any problem at all. Jack, if you'll---"  
  
"Katya, I don't mean to hurry you, but it is getting a little late and so if you wouldn't mind..." Jack began.  
  
"Of course," Katya nodded. "We were--"  
  
"Let me get this straight. You'll move it along when he asks, but when I--- "  
  
"He has something I want, so of course I'll try and... please him now. A form of foreplay, one might say. You might remember that notion -- pleasing your partner? I'm sure you have a note about it somewhere in your academy textbooks, in case you've forgotten--"  
  
Irina opened her mouth, then sighed. Katya would tell the story how and at the pace she wanted.  
  
But after a moment, Irina grew impatient and prompted, "We were working with Cuvee, as she said and we were both given the same type of assignment. Two different rosters of... choices. She let me pick first and you were in my roster and Cuvee assigned you to me---"  
  
"Wait a minute. So... if she had not given you first dibs, I might have met and married her?" Jack stroked his chin and looked Katya up and down carefully. "This puts an entirely different slant on the entire---"  
  
Irina protested. "She would not have been successful at...." She broke it off. She should not have brought that up.  
  
"Yes, honey. What is it you were successful at doing with me? Exactly? Why don't you define that for me?"  
  
"I...Alright, I... my goal was to seduce you. But...you know, I fell in love with you."  
  
"Who's to say I would not have fallen in love with him, Irina?" Katya shrugged. "And who's to say he would not have fallen in love with me? After all, you and I are so much alike, that---"  
  
"We're not the interchangeable Derevko sisters!"  
  
"That sounds like an interesting toy concept, though," Jack said with a grin. "I should give that idea to Marshall and see what he could do- Ouch!" Jack exclaimed, as his wife hit him. "Or wait! I know, you two could go on the cabaret circuit and do that routine from the old movie, 'White Christmas'"  
  
"What is he talking about?" Katya asked her sister.  
  
"It is... remember the movie with that Bing man and George Clooney's aunt, the snow---"  
  
"Ah yes, the sentimentalist claptrap from the capitalist maw of Hollywood," Katya nodded.  
  
"Yes, I can see you two now in those turquoise dresses and those fans...Hmm." Jack paused and Irina elbowed him.  
  
"Why did you stop?"  
  
"I'm just imagining the fans...nothing but the fans...." Jack said, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice. "Maybe that's a new game we could play..."  
  
"Stop it with the games!" Irina cried out.  
  
"You don't really mean that," Jack said firmly. "Or you won't when you see what I have in that drawer."  
  
"Well... perhaps not," Irina admitted, patting her husband's arm.  
  
"I remember the punch line of their routine."  
  
"Do you?" Jack asked.  
  
"Yes! It was 'Lord helps the sister who comes between me and my man.' So, move it Katya before I demonstrate what the phrase punch line really means."  
  
Katya rolled her eyes. "I am so afraid."  
  
"You should be---" Irina began, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"Okay. Sisters. Let's not get the feathers of your fans all flying," Jack began. Then he paused and stroked his chin. "But then again...."  
  
Irina reached out to smack him again, then stopped. Rolling her eyes, she muttered, "Oh, what's the point? I've completely lost control of this conversation---"  
  
Bending down, Jack whispered, "And you do know how enticing I find it when you completely lose control, don't you? Do you remember that time in Mexico when...."  
  
Katya smiled at the pink that entered her sister's cheeks as her husband spoke in her ear, then kissed it before straightening back up.  
  
Irina cleared her throat and waved her hand at her sister. "If you wouldn't mind finishing your story....about your unfortunate assignment when you didn't get Jack, I did come here with plans for tonight and DON'T say a word, Jack, don't---"  
  
"About what? Jack asked with a blank face.  
  
"About coming here....ugggh," Irina groaned. "Why, why do I fall for it every time?"  
  
"You fell into luck thirty-odd years ago, whereas I fell into a wagonload of s***," Katya reminded her.  
  
"Oh, that's right. Who did you get?" Jack asked curiously.  
  
"I got this fat old man. From Romania. Where they use a lot of garlic. And where, I might add, they also did not have Charmin available on the grocery store shelves. And let me tell you, that after years in the Soviet Union with the sandpaper that passes for --"  
  
"Katya, are you more upset about not getting Jack or not getting Charmin?" Irina turned to her husband and confided. "I used to send cases of Charmin home to my family. One of the perks of being with you---"  
  
"Soft toilet paper was a perk of being with me?" Jack asked, affronted. "Well, I like that! Not my amazing abilities with---"  
  
"Well...." Irina smiled. "But I couldn't send that home in a plain cardboard box."  
  
"But she could talk about it! Endlessly!"  
  
Irina giggled. "Of course. Just to see you turn green with jealousy."  
  
"You should have seen how green I was every time I was with that man. I used so much pancake makeup I qualified for a discount at IHOP."  
  
"How bad was he?" Jack asked.  
  
"He had hair on his back." Irina shuddered. "And sticking out of his ears."  
  
"And nose! He wanted me to trim it for him."  
  
"That's how he died," Irina confided to Jack.  
  
"From a nose trimmer?" Jack asked. Hmm. A new form of execution was always worth learning about, after all.  
  
"From a poorly-functioning nose trimmer. It shot out a spark, unexpectedly, of course---"  
  
"Of course," Jack and Irina said simultaneously.  
  
"And he electrocuted when the trimmer got caught in a nose hair and he couldn't get loose. Tragic, really," Katya shook her head.  
  
Irina giggled. "That was a good one, Kat."  
  
"Well, he farted. Constantly. Picked his nose. For three years I endured that." Katya snarled. "And you, you spoiled brat. You got him...." Katya waved an arm up and down the length of Jack's body.  
  
"I know," Irina sighed. "I got him alright. Over and over and over and over..." She smiled slowly. Irina sighed again. "Did I ever tell you, Katya, about the night we conceived Sydney? It involved a hot tub and some-- -"  
  
"Yes. You told me. Over and over and over and over. You also mentioned that he kissed better than anyone in the world."  
  
"She did?" Jack asked, smiling.  
  
"Yes. So that was why I had to do it. Kiss him. You see, it was your own fault, dear sister." Katya smiled smugly. "Baby sister, if you hadn't bragged about him and his... talents all the time, rubbing my nose into my bad luck, I wouldn't have been so curious."  
  
"She bragged about my talents?"  
  
"Shut. Up." Irina said flatly. Then turning to her sister, she warned. "My patience is running thin. Thin, Katya! Move this along. I've got better plans for tonight than sparring with you."  
  
"Hmm. So do I, so do I..." Katya said confidently, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"That's it!" Irina said, shooting to her feet.  
  
"Oooh, my," Jack muttered as he stood up. "Maybe I should start preparing the first aid kit."  
  
"Sit down!" both sisters called out together. Jack sat. He was no fool.  
  
"You still owe me, dear sister."  
  
"Owe you? For what else, might I inquire?"  
  
"Beyond allowing you first choice of assignments?"  
  
"That was more than thirty years ago. Surely the statute of limitations on that debt has expired."  
  
"Perhaps. But there are others... Hmm. Let me peruse my database of favors owed---"  
  
Jack pointed at Katya's Palm Pilot. "I'd like to talk with you later about what kind of software application you utilize for that function. I have so many favors owed to me--"  
  
"Yes." Katya looked up from her palm. "I saw the tape of your performance, shall we say, in London. That woman does owe you a favor."  
  
"Oh, she's long since paid that back..." Jack said slowly, grinning at the look of consternation on his wife's face.  
  
"Jack... Singagpore...."  
  
"Irina... Face licking in front of me...."  
  
"I think it might be best if we returned to the....issue at hand. Or hopefully what..." Katya sighed happily as she looked at Jack, "What might be in my hand. Soon. Time's wasting, after all."  
  
"True," Jack smiled slowly. "So many options, so little time."  
  
Irina vowed she would not kill her husband or her sister. She would not. No. She loved them both. It was a bad thing to kill the people you love. A bad thing. And maybe, later, she could torture Jack. Maybe the contents of that drawer might prove helpful... If, that is, she ever got to the damn drawer!  
  
"Katya!" Irina called out. "Just tell me what other favor you think I owe you and let's move this along...."  
  
Katya smiled, looked down at her Palm Pilot and elaborated, "Let me see. Ah. I'll pick something more recent, since you are, oddly enough, engaging in a fit of legality and are worried about statutes. Something much more recent. For setting up that extraction in Korea."  
  
"Wait." Jack held up his hand. "Speaking as a... customer, I want to say that I'm not entirely pleased with the results of that Korean excursion."  
  
"What do you mean? Sydney and her little - whatever he is - are alive." Katya frowned.  
  
"True. But did anyone honestly think they were in real danger? And Vaughn disobeyed my orders to leave Sydney be."  
  
"What? He did what?" Irina asked. "No, no. Don't tell me...."  
  
"Yes, he told her that she was..." Jack rolled his eyes. "The one."  
  
"The one. The one? When? Let me guess," Irina rolled her eyes as well. "Before they were taken to the firing squad?"  
  
"Why would he do that?" Katya groaned. "Didn't he read the script ahead of time and know they would make it out alive?"  
  
"It was supposed to be a poignant moment." Jack rolled his eyes. "The problem is they come out alive and then he comes home and---"  
  
"No. He didn't..." Irina moaned.  
  
"He wouldn't... No...." Katya groaned.  
  
"Yup. Went right over to....her and hugged her." Jack growled. "In front of Sydney."  
  
Irina growled, "Perhaps we should kill him. I grow impatient with his fixation on blondes. Do you understand it?"  
  
"No." Jack shook his head. "I've never been interested in blondes, myself. And especially bottle blondes. I mean, isn't it disconcerting when something doesn't match?"  
  
"What do you... Oh!" Irina exclaimed, then laughed. "But seriously, should we kill him? I'm very upset that he was seeing that... emigre from Wisconsin nine months after Sydney's supposed death."  
  
"Maybe he has a cheese fixation," Katya suggested. "Cheese curds?"  
  
"Limberger," Jack argued. "Because that whole triangle business stinks."  
  
"More like sour cream," Irina groused. "Have you ever seen her pitch a hissy fit in the hallway?"  
  
"Well, they were trying to draw a connection between nine months and the test tube SydSpawn incubation period," Jack surmised. "Or so the continuity girl thought when we shared---"  
  
"How much time are you spending with the continuity girl anyway?" Irina asked suspiciously.  
  
"Not much that time Katya came to visit," Jack said brightly. "So, you should be glad---"  
  
"Shut up," Irina said resignedly. "Back to the triangle."  
  
"Must we? Everyone's tired of the triangle," Jack groused.  
  
"Everyone was tired of the triangle the first time we heard a moo," Irina pointed out.  
  
"But what did she say, when Vaughn hugged her after the Korean caper?" Katya asked, frowning. "Or rather, what did she moo?"  
  
"Forget that." Irina turned to Jack and asked, "What accent did she use this time? Australian or British?"  
  
"I don't know. I try and avoid listening. Believe me that's the best option when she's around. Hit the mute button."  
  
Irina sighed. "So that whole excursion got us nowhere..."  
  
Katya smiled, "Well, I wouldn't say that.... I got somewhere."  
  
"Again! Why did you kiss him? Tell me."  
  
"Well, you asked me to serve as Jack's handler on this op and the way I see that job description---"  
  
"It didn't mean you should handle him!"  
  
"Oooh, your mistake. Be more specific next time."  
  
Jack smiled and then clearing his throat said, "Back to reviewing the op. Since you won't tell me the point of my acting like an incompetent by making an appointment in my own name to visit Sloane and assassinate him while his secretary sits outside---"  
  
"Oh. That's what you're really angry about," Irina noted. "It was not the proper execution style."  
  
"I have my standards. I mean if I'm going to act out of character, as in behaving stupidly, it should be for a better reason than killing Sloane. I could have killed him any number of times over the last few decades in far less public ways and in ways to which I could not be traced.. And I could have also simply used a sniper rifle at any time -- I mean if Lauren can use a sniper rifle, why can't I? Are we implying that Lauren is smarter than I am, because I can assure you--"  
  
"But no one would ever think that! I mean, you wouldn't dress all in black James Bond combat-style gear in the middle of a hot day, carrying a large weapons case out of the Texas Book Depository while the CIA is running around looking for a sniper."  
  
"No," Jack sniffed disdainfully. "I would not."  
  
"Although you do look very nice in black combat gear..." Irina said, trying to placate her husband. "I remember in Kashmir---"  
  
"You mean before he pushed you out of the train?"  
  
"Those were good times," Irina sighed happily and reaching up kissed her husband's cheek.  
  
"Yes. They were... I truly enjoyed pushing you out of the train," Jack agreed and stroked her hair. "Almost as much as the knife game... If Sydney weren't there, when we parachuted to the bottom, I might have---"  
  
"I know. And in the train car. Having a child certainly dampens one's sex life."  
  
"Speak for yourself. Oh wait... Maybe you are. Are you damp?" Jack asked with a grin.  
  
"Jack..." Katya smiled. It was getting time to wrap this up, she thought. "Irina gets...damp when she sees your name on her chat list."  
  
"Kat!" Irina spluttered. Then she gave in and grinned. "Let get back to the story so that we don't have a plot hole here."  
  
"Noted." Jack nodded. "From experience I can tell you that they can eat up a story faster than Weiss can eat a French eclair."  
  
"That's enough about Weiss' sex life, Jack. " Irina shook her head. "So you're angry about the execution style ---"  
  
"There was no style!"  
  
"But his hair looked fairly nice in this episode," Katya pointed out. "Getting long enough to do that wave on the top."  
  
"True! I like the wave. And the curl at the ends right behind the ear sometimes?" Both women sighed.  
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "Are we really talking about hair when we should be reviewing the op?"  
  
"Two things, Jack," Irina said, holding up two fingers. "One. Karenml is writing this story and therefore there must be the obligatory mention of your hair. Two, the op... Is it truly worth reviewing?"  
  
"Well, is Sydney supposed to moon around again and watch the Vaughns canoodling --"  
  
"No one wants to see any more of that!" Katya groaned. "Especially after dinner."  
  
"Jack. Can't you do something about that? I mean, I can't believe it's not a work rule violation to... smooch at work."  
  
"Well, actually, I was intending to work on that tonight when I had a knife put to my throat, then my coffee table destroyed, a knife in my bedroom door, a slice in my chair, a---"  
  
"Jack. Focus. Smooching at work is a rule violation, isn't it?" Irina asked. "After all, isn't that the excuse you gave me for not kissing me or doing anything else when I was in that glass cage?"  
  
"Remember the camera monitors on your cell? Geez! So, the real reason I didn't kiss you is that I am not an exhibitionist. So, speaking of those videotapes of yours---"  
  
Irina cut in quickly. "But... you took off your shirt and were wearing just that tank---"  
  
"They paid me extra money to do that. I'll do anything for money." Jack stopped. "Did I hear something again?"  
  
"Yes," Irina said sullenly.  
  
Katya smiled. "It's the sound of women's wallets being opened everywhere. I do believe there's a collection - to which I would happily contribute - going around for shirtless---"  
  
"Let's get back to the op!" Irina suggested brightly.  
  
"Yes. What was the point of the whole endeavor?" Jack asked again.  
  
"Well, I'm waiting to find out the point of Sydney sleeping with this Will Tippin character in Warsaw," Katya shrugged.  
  
Jack started. "Sydney slept with Tippin? Geez. Too bad. He was a good kid. Now he'll have to die."  
  
"Why?" Katya asked.  
  
Jack shrugged. "All of Sydney's sexual partners die. It's a rule. Only Vaughn had escaped so far." Then he grimaced. "But the next time he canoodles with that woman, whose raison d'etre changes as often as her accent, I may have to arrange for a new partner. One more deadly than his current partner."  
  
"Who is that?"Katya asked curiously. She thought this yoyo man was Vaughn's partner and although their relationship was somewhat... odd, Weiss was hardly deadly. Except if you were a donut.  
  
"His code name is Character Assassin."  
  
Irina shook her head. "Actually, Vaughn's suffered a fate worse than death. He's with Lauren Reed. Isn't that punishment enough?"  
  
"I don't understand how that situation happened," Katya mused. "What does he see in her?"  
  
"It's the eyebrows," Jack said firmly.  
  
"The eyebrows? They are... large," Irina noted. "But..."  
  
"They're bigger than mine! Abnormal. I think they've been enhanced in some way." Jack noted. Then he looked around and whispered, "I think she hypnotized him."  
  
"How?" Irina frowned.  
  
"Her eyebrows?"Katya asked.  
  
"Yeah. She's a blonde ---" Irina and Katya both scoffed. "And her eyebrows are brown. And huge. They're like these.... caterpillars on her face. I keep expecting them to crawl away or start weaving a cocoon. It's distracting."  
  
"And if you find them distracting," Irina mused. "Combining that ability with that amazing changing accent... some little boy like Michael Vaughn would---"  
  
"Have no chance." Jack nodded firmly. "If she kept raising and lowering the eyebrows...."  
  
"A clever ploy. Hypnotic eyebrows." Katya nodded. Looking at her sister, she noted, "We need to mention this to Elena for the research department."  
  
"Hmm," Jack said, thinking hard. "But I'm thinking that all we really need to solve this triangle is a pair of---"  
  
They all looked at each other and called out, "Tweezers!"  
  
"Sister!" Katya smiled. "Do you still---  
  
"Yes! Mother always told us to carry pairs of---" Irina pulled a pair of tiny manicure scissors out of her pocket. "Here's one..." She continued digging in her pocket.  
  
Katya noted, "Good nails can solve half of a girl's problems, after all."  
  
"Oh, well," Jack nodded. "That explains the perfect manicures Irina and Sydney had when you were defusing that mine I'd landed on in Kashmir."  
  
"Of course. While you were removing that ridiculous moustache and recovering from seeing me in my bra---"  
  
"I hardly needed to recover from seeing you in a bra---"  
  
"Yes, you did!"  
  
"No. I was merely shocked that you were wearing one. You never wore one when we were married. Those were good days. But... I have to be realistic." He sighed. "Age is hard on all of us, isn't it?"  
  
Irina smacked him. "Age... Age... And...you were the one having a hard time when you saw me in that bra."  
  
"Irina. Focus. You may have the solution to the triangle in your pocket!" Katya exclaimed excitedly.  
  
Irina nodded and reached into her pocket. "Tweezers! Because a well-shaped brow can open a lot of doors."  
  
"Honey?" Jack asked as he reached out and took the tweezers from her. "You had the solution to the triangle all along? He grabbed for her and hugged her tightly. "See, I told you that we need you here. You could have solved this problem months ago, saved us all the agony of---"  
  
They said in unison, "The triangle."  
  
"Wait, do you have an eraser in there somewhere?" Jack asked.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So we can just erase the last two minutes of the season finale?" Katya surmised.  
  
Irina shook her head. "I think we need a big magnet to erase the digital recordings."  
  
"True. Got a magnet in those pockets of yours, Katya?" Jack asked.  
  
"Hold on, let me see..." Katya came out emptyhanded. "However, Jack, I bet you have something big and hard that attracts---"  
  
"Katya!" Irina said, slamming her hand down on the bar surface. "That's enough, I want to talk to you in private."  
  
TBC 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:  
  
"Finally," Katya nodded.  
  
The sisters turned to stare at Jack, who stared back at them. "Let me understand this. This is my house and I'm being asked to leave? My own house? What kind of damage will you two do if I leave? I really don't want to come back and find it looking like the before of Junkyard Wars."  
  
"Jack...You watch too much TLC." Irina said, forcing a smile, as she patted his arm.  
  
"What else do I have to do with my time? It's not like my wife is here to play games with me in the evening. Would you rather I perused internet porn? Or fanfiction?"  
  
"Oh my god, fanfiction? No! Not that! The smut about you that some people write is just shocking!"  
  
"I didn't find it shocking, I found it inspirational..." Katya noted, licking her lips. "There was this one scene with a hot tub. But no... wait, the stairs, that was good too. And then again---"  
  
"Where did you read that?" Jack asked. "I'm always looking for new ideas and ---"  
  
"I have all the ideas you need!" Irina exclaimed. She took a deep breath. "Jack, I didn't mean for you to leave your house. Just the room. Why don't you go into the bedroom and wait for me there? This won't take long---"  
  
"No. It won't. I'll see you shortly," Katya said, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
Behind Irina's back, Jack rolled his eyes and went into the bedroom, slamming the door, as they heard him mumble, "Women! Worse, Derevko women! What did I ever do...."  
  
"Katya, explain yourself. I know you didn't really come here to sleep with my husband — And DON'T say you weren't planning on sleeping with him or that you haven't come yet---"  
  
"Apparently she doesn't need to say it if you do!" Jack called out.  
  
"Shut up!" both sisters yelled. Jack sighed.  
  
"Katya, he's getting impatient. So, tell me quickly if you don't mind, I--- "  
  
"Why did I really kiss Jack?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Three reasons. One, I admit. Curiosity. You spoke of him so much, for so long." Katya shrugged. "My curiosity was piqued. So shoot me."  
  
"I prefer knives, remember?"  
  
Katya yawned. "The second reason is obvious. He's Jack. Just look at him. Who wouldn't kiss him if they had the opportunity? Seriously?"  
  
"Seriously, I know," Irina sighed. "And I suppose I made an error when I asked you to give him a kiss from me. But still, don't you have any loyalty or---" Irina grabbed her sister's arm.  
  
Katya looked at it and ordered. "Release my arm. There is no point in a physical demonstration between us---"  
  
"If you're going to get kinky like that, I'm leaving!" Jack called out, grinning from behind the door. This was definitely better than Queer Eye. Interactive entertainment usually was. Speaking of which, he'd better check that drawer....  
  
"Shut up!" the sisters called out.  
  
Katya continued, "As I was saying before your husband with a decidedly... odd sense of humor interrupted us, as always there is no point in a physical altercation between any of us sisters."  
  
"I know," Irina nodded. "We all know each other's weaknesses too well."  
  
"Yes. And I know your particular weakness, Irina."  
  
"So do I!" Jack called out. "As I remember, it's been a while, but it involves a feather and... Hmm. Perhaps the White Christmas re-enactment isn't a bad idea? I wonder if that's available on Pay Per View tonight. For research purposes. How big were those fans? I bet I could find them on ebay."  
  
"We should just ignore him," Irina suggested. "We just seem to encourage him."  
  
Katya nodded. "Yes, let's return to the plot line here or it might disappear like Will Tippin's research into Project Christmas."  
  
"Or like he did when he failed to pick up Francie thereby allowing Alison Doren to plug her in the head and send us down the yellow brick road to the molecular transponder?"  
  
"Yes, like that. Inexplicably---"  
  
"But... "Irina thought for a moment, and then brightened. "Perhaps this is all just a bad, technicolor dream..."  
  
"Hmm. Sloane is almost short enough to be a munchkin. This bears more investigation." Katya admitted. "But here and now, we were talking about your weakness. Which is the third reason I kissed Jack."  
  
"My...weakness led you to kiss Jack?"  
  
"Simple cause and effect. I -- your sister -- kissed him and you're here."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You would not be able to withstand it if one of your sisters kissed him. So, I kissed him, as per the plan. And here you are in his house, less than twenty-four hours later, with a knife to his throat, which — if I'm not mistaken — in your relationship is a little bit of loving foreplay?"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"Irina. Listen to me." Katya put her hands on Irina's shoulders. "You may be taller than me. You may be The Man. You may be CEO of our little crime cartel. But you are still my little sister. Elena's little sister. Mom's little girl. And... we were worried about you. So at our last staff meeting, which you missed, being off doing god knows what god knows where with god knows whom, we came up with a plan."  
  
"What about Father?"  
  
"Like all fathers, he's convinced you conceived his granddaughter through immaculate conception and had no part in creating our plan."  
  
"I can take care of myself."  
  
"But you don't have to. That's what family is for." Katya said it softly and touched her sister's cheek. "And can you take care of yourself?"  
  
"Don't give me advice."  
  
"Darling, that's what big sisters live to do. So. Some advice. We live to give advice and say 'I told you so'---"  
  
"You may die to give that advice."  
  
"Not in my house!" Jack said. "No blood on my carpet! My new carpet." He moaned.  
  
Katya smiled. "Irina. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Stay away too long and your role in his life might be recast or you might be dead temporarily again and---"  
  
"He would wait! He waited twenty years...."  
  
"He kissed me back, Irina. Perhaps he was just lonely. Perhaps... he just enjoyed feeling a warm woman in his arms instead of a computer mouse or... something else...that as enjoyable as it might be for me to imagine, is not going to satisfy a man like that indefinitely. Do you want him to move on to a woman who's actually seen every once in a while? Is that what you want?" Irina looked down. "And look at the consequences of your absence for everyone! It's hideous. Horrible. Vile."  
  
Irina winced. "The triangle? Lack of a discernable plot line?"  
  
"Yes. And there's no real end in sight."  
  
"I wouldn't say that. It's like a horse's ass to me."  
  
"Speaking of a black hole---"  
  
"In a triangular shape?"  
  
"Yes! Only worse. Now we're expected to believe that Lauren's evil. We could stretch our credulity to believe in cloning and five hundred year old hearts, but this, this is too much. It was bad enough to believe that Vaughn would move on within nine months after Sydney died, that Kendall turned into an exposition fairy---"  
  
"True!" Jack called out from the bedroom. "And that's my job! While I admit that Kendall has the ears of an elf, he's no exposition fairy, let me tell you and I resent the loss of screen time---"  
  
"Jack?" Irina called back. When he didn't answer, she got up and went into his bedroom. "How much have you had to drink?"  
  
"Not enough." Jack looked up from his perusal of the drawer in the nightstand. Irina smiled as she watched him take the cuffs out of his pocket and put them in the drawer.  
  
Hmm. That reminded her. She walked toward him, peering to see the contents of the drawer. "Jack..."  
  
"Are you coming soon?" He slammed the drawer and turned to her with a grin. "Or rather coming in soon? Because I hope it will be a while before you come... I'd like to take my time.. But wait, how much time do we have, because you're always in a hurry. You fly in and out so quickly, one would think you don't even exist anymore."  
  
Irina bit her lip. Maybe Katya had a point. Damn it. Would she have to admit that? "Jack," she said softly as she began unbuttoning his shirt. "Just get relaxed. Why don't you change into one of those all-black outfits I like so much? And wear one of those tshirts and those silk boxers I bought for you---"  
  
"Buy those at Walmart?" Katya called out.  
  
"No. Internet."  
  
"Oh? What site?"  
  
"Victor's Secret."  
  
"Don't you mean, Victoria's Secret?"  
  
"No, that's for women. Katya... mind your own business for a moment." Irina rolled her eyes and then looking at her husband, smiled. "I love you, Jack. Have I told you that tonight?"  
  
"No," he said, pulling her close. "I'm glad you're here. And actually, although I say this with fear and trepidation..." Irina rolled her eyes. "I like your sister. She's amusing."  
  
"She thinks so. But I'll get rid of her soon. She.... just was trying to help. I think." Irina screwed her mouth up as she thought. "I should go---"  
  
"Wait...." Jack reached out and grabbed her. Hauling her close he wrapped one arm around her waist and tangled the other in her hair. "Who knows how long this may really take? I need something to tide me over..." He said softly, just before his lips took hers.  
  
"Jack...." Irina said long moments later. "You taste like.. whiskey and heat and...you."  
  
After one last kiss and disentangling herself, Irina paused in the doorway. Shaking her head, she put one hand on the doorjamb before passing through and closing the door behind her.  
  
Katya smiled at the look of bemusement on her sister's face. "I teased Jack that if he didn't realize you were a plant for the five years you were married---"  
  
"It wasn't five years," Irina protested, but without any real heat, her mind still back in the bedroom with that particular kind of heat that was specific to her husband.  
  
"I told him that your love must have been quite intoxicating. But... he's pretty intoxicating, isn't he?"  
  
Irina glared at her sister halfheartedly. Then laughed. "Yes, you might say."  
  
"I might say it was your lucky day when he was handed to you on a silver platter as your assignment."  
  
"Here we go..."  
  
"I'm calling in that debt for the good of everyone. You need to come back. You need to intervene. You need to save the world from the dreaded three- sided polyhedron."  
  
"I will when---" Irina stopped talking as she ran through her Daytimer in her head. Hmm, maybe she could cut out a few meetings, delegate more, hire a third personal assistant. Maybe she could lure Sark back, he was always useful. And if she had more time... She looked up as her sister continued speaking.  
  
"No. I'm calling in the debt now."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Do you want to call your mom, Katya?" Jack called out. "I still have her phone, I can easily hit number one on speed dial again and--"  
  
"No! Not my mom!" Irina said shuddering. "I give in. It's your debt to collect and ..."  
  
"Yes, it is. And I'm calling it in. So. You can tie up some loose ends, but don't take too long. As I was saying before, we now have the evil cow and then there was the swillage, which was just wrong and ---"  
  
"You should see that drawer he made for me," Irina confided. "He does love me."  
  
"Well, of course he does. I saw that knife he gave you for your birthday last year — the one custom made for your hand, specially weighted with your initials engraved in the hilt on the button that hid the poison repository. And the bulletproof glass in your Miata?" Katya lowered her voice to a soft whisper, "And I hear through the grapevine that your Valentine's gift this year is to die for---"  
  
"What is it?" Irina whispered back eagerly.  
  
"Custom-made grenade launcher." Katya sighed appreciatively.  
  
"I've been wanting one of those forever." Irina said softly. Then in her normal voice, she added, "He does love me..."  
  
"Of course he does. I mean, honestly. Knives, poison, bulletproof glass — if that doesn't say love, what does?"  
  
"I know!" Irina said excitedly. "Wasn't that knife amazing? The best gift ever."  
  
"What, are you twelve? My point is---"  
  
"But... Katya. He didn't contact me for a long time---"  
  
"He was in prison!"  
  
"But it seems like he only contacts me when he wants something."  
  
"Yes, like your presence. Like you."  
  
"No." Irina sighed. "My contacts."  
  
"Sister, first of all, did it ever occur to you that you could contact him?"  
  
"It's the man's job to call the woman. Mother always said it makes you look...needy and hungry and you lose power if the woman does the calling."  
  
"And you're not needy and hungry when it comes to Jack? Because if you aren't, I'll line up at his buffet line any day---"  
  
"You need a slap---"  
  
"You need a slap--"  
  
"There will be NO furniture broken in my house!" Jack called out. "Irina, you promised."  
  
"I'm speaking figuratively!" Katya told him. Turning back to her sister, she told her, "Think about it. Jack Bristow has contacts in every godforsaken hellhole in — how do the Americans say it — in the back of beyond. He doesn't need your contacts. Think about it. He had contacts in Nogales, telling him that Simon's associate had been captured there, before the CIA knew. You think he needs your contacts? Or does he just need you?"  
  
"Well....Perhaps he blames me, though, because none of my contacts found Sydney in those two years."  
  
"But, of course not! He would not hold you responsible for that. After all, the blond streaks she put in her hair constituted a completely impenetrable disguise."  
  
"True! I never thought of that. Changing your hair color is almost as foolproof as Jack's rimless glasses or his repairman's uniform and a working class accent--"  
  
"This is a freakin' nightmare!" Jack called out. "Move this along already before something other than my sinuses gets an infection from prolonged inflammation!"  
  
Irina clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. "He's funny, isn't he?" she asked her sister. Then shaking her head, she admitted, "It's been so long I think I've forgotten various aspects of his ---"  
  
"I'll be glad to refresh your memory if you'd just get in here!" Jack said through the door. "Believe me, at this point, it won't take that long. And given the length of your usual visits, that's probably a good thing, right?"  
  
Irina grimaced. "I have to say it, don't I?"  
  
"No, of course not," Katya said. Irina sighed with relief. Then Katya smiled and added, "You don't have to say it because I will."  
  
"Must you?" Irina asked, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Of course, I must." Katya grinned and said in a sing song voice. "I was right and you were wrong."  
  
"I thought you were going to say I told you so!" Jack commented.  
  
Irina lifted her hand to her sister then dropped it. "I hate when you're right. But... I've been worrying needlessly, haven't I?"  
  
"Yes. So, stay with him. At least through the day and night tomorrow. I can cover for you at the office."  
  
"But he has work," Irina protested, but then shut up. If Jack could not come up with a good lie to cover his absence then she would... kiss Arvin Sloane. Ew. Jack had better come up with a good lie. Because kissing Arvin would be... Not even the secret to eternal life was worth that! Blech. At least as bad as Katya's garlicky Romanian.  
  
Katya smiled as she suggested, "He can call in and say he's all... tied up. And if you're smart you'll make sure that's true."  
  
"Wellll...." She had seen some of those items in the drawer and---  
  
"I did give you those cuffs for a reason, Irina. You have no excuses. So... spend time with him. Or---"  
  
"Or what? Is that a threat?" Irina smiled, inclining her head in the direction of the bedroom.  
  
Katya nodded and smiled back. "No, a promise. Stay with him or I'll move in. And possession is nine-tenths of the law."  
  
"I'd like to know what legal precedent covers this contingency!" Jack noted.  
  
"Ah. Excellent point. Jack." Katya pointed to her sister with a glass shard she pulled out of the pile on the floor where the coffee table used to exist.  
  
"Except for the fact that the Derevko siblings make their own laws," Irina called out.  
  
Katya smiled. "Get the....point?" She asked and flung a glass shard into the cherry bedroom door. It stuck there, vibrating.  
  
Jack yelled, "That had better NOT have been another glass shard in my door!"  
  
Irina and Katya looked at each other and burst into a fit of giggles. Holding her arms out, Katya pulled her little sister close. "Take care of each other. I'll go tweeze the triangle to death."  
  
"Don't you need my help?" Irina asked.  
  
"Please, sister. I can handle the likes of Lauren Reed without breaking a sweat."  
  
"Thank you. When will I see you again?"  
  
"Besides the staff meeting Friday at 10am?"  
  
"Yes. Oh and don't forget that Power Point Presentation on our next strategy for removing Arvin Sloane?"  
  
"I won't." Katya remembered, "I should inform you that Elena's hard at work on replacing his Rambaldi immortality juice with regular tap water from Mexico."  
  
"Now that's true suffering!" Jack said, leaning against the door. This sounded like it would be over soon. "Almost as bad as watching Lauren and Vaughn kiss."  
  
"Ew. There went my dinner plans...." Katya groaned.  
  
"Me too. Good thing the only thing I was truly planning on eating tonight was--"  
  
"Irina!" Jack said laughing. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that it was rude to speak of dinner plans if you weren't planning on inviting your guest?"  
  
"No. We were too busy having knife quizzes," Katya noted. "But if that is a rule of etiquette, why, of course, I'd be glad to stay for---"  
  
"No dinner for you!" Irina said to her sister, smiling. "But... breakfast together soon?"  
  
"Certainly. The Dennys' in Van Nuys? You always enjoyed their Grand Slam breakfast."  
  
"True!" Jack said, opening the door from his bedroom cautiously. Frowning as he pulled the knife and glass shard out of the door, he added, "Irina's always been interested in sausages..."  
  
"She has?"  
  
"Sure, a large, cylindrical piece of meat---"  
  
"Jack!" Irina giggled.  
  
Katya elbowed here, "Ask him about---"  
  
"Jack...." Irina began, biting her lip. "About Singagpore..."  
  
"Don't you mean Singapore?" Jack responded, carefully putting down the knife and glass on the bar and measuring its width with his arms.  
  
"No. I meant Singagpore. What...How... Two women?"  
  
"Honey..." Jack turned around and began walking toward his wife. "Don't you know? It would take two women to begin to replace you."  
  
Irina bit her lip.  
  
Katya shook her head and touched her sister's arm. "Ooh. That was good, Irina. I would give him points for that attempt."  
  
Irina stopped holding her smile in and nodded. "Yes, I suppose I need to give him points for that."  
  
"And..." Jack continued, wrapping his arms around his wife and leaning down to nuzzle her neck. "No one, no one, no matter how many women, could ever replace you in my heart."  
  
"I think my work here is done," Katya said with a smile. "I need to report in to Mother and Elena that our op worked quite well. They'll be waiting up, pins and toothpicks, is the phrase?"  
  
"No. Pins and needles. Pins and needles. Toothpicks don't hurt as much as needles," Irina noted.  
  
"Clearly you need a refresher class on basic torture techniques, Irina," Katya said, shaking her head.  
  
Irina sighed. "That was always your area of expertise. And I suppose what you were doing, with your work with me, was just another form of torture?"  
  
"What work was that, exactly?" Jack asked.  
  
"Ah. We called it Operation Sibling Rivalry," Katya said, smiling.  
  
Irina groaned. Shaking her head, she disentangled herself from her husband and began walking away. "Jack.... I'll wait for you in the bedroom---"  
  
"I was hoping for the bar...." Jack said longingly.  
  
"Later. I want to see my drawer."  
  
"Oh, I almost forgot." Jack gave a slow smile. "Drawer it is."  
  
"But... say goodbye to Katya. Show her to the door."  
  
"What are you up to?" Jack asked, his eyes narrowed, but glittering with excitement.  
  
"I'm not the one who will be getting up...." Irina said as she picked up the knife and glass shard from the bar and went into the bedroom. "I need to get ready."  
  
Jack smiled at his wife's back and then turned to his sister-in-law. "I heard it all. And thank you."  
  
"I can definitely say it was my pleasure..." Katya said, then smiled when a tinge of pink entered Jack's face. She could not resist adding as they walked toward the front door, "Oh, and Jack, you do realize that my codename is Black Sparrow, not Black Swallow?"  
  
Jack gave a small smile as his eyes flickered to the side, "Oh. I realize. But one can always... hope. Can't one?"  
  
"Jack, stop flirting with my sister to make me jealous and get in here!" Irina said laughingly.  
  
Jack sighed. "Ah, duty calls. I must leave."  
  
"Must you?" Katya asked, giving her sister a sidelong glance. She put her hand on Jack's shoulder and began to lean up. "This... is from Elena...." she began, pursing her lips. "Don't move..." she whispered. Then with a quick movement, she snatched from the air the knife that Irina had thrown in her direction.  
  
"Here, Jack," Katya said, handing the knife to him. "I do believe it might be your turn to... wield the weapon, shall we say?"  
  
"An interesting turn of phrase," Jack agreed. Turning to face his wife, who stood glaring at them from the doorway to the bedroom, he said over his shoulder, "Bye, Katya. And thank you again."  
  
"You are most welcome. And sister? I'll see you in two days. Dennys, remember?"  
  
"Two days?" Irina asked. "Why not tomorrow? I do like those Grand Slam breakfasts and---"  
  
"Irina, if you can walk tomorrow morning, I'll be very disappointed in my brother-in-law." 


	10. Chapter 10

[b]Chapter 10:[/b]  
  
"Hands up! And step away from the nightstand!" Jack exclaimed, knife in hand, as he came into the bedroom and saw Irina reached toward the drawer handle moments after Katya had left.  
  
"Make me," Irina taunted him, turning slowly, keeping her hand on the nightstand.  
  
Jack smirked, careful to hold the knife in his hand to the side as he shrugged nonchalantly and said, "Well, if you want to leave me with the memory of the last Derevko lips to touch mine being your sister's for any second longer than... Mumphf!" He smiled as her lips touched his rather...possessively, he thought happily.  
  
"How does my kiss rate, compared to [i]hers?[/i]" Irina could not stop herself from asking after she bit his lower lip lightly as she pulled back slightly.  
  
"Irina, you have always been and will always be the one whose perfectly- glossed lips -- even in Cell Block A -- are the ones I want to touch...." Jack whispered, as he lifted his lips from hers reluctantly. "But it is true... that the way she kissed reminded me... For one second I thought...."  
  
"What? That she was me? That I'd had plastic surgery---"  
  
"No. Or at least I hope that's not the plot line." Jack shuddered. "In any case, plastic surgery wouldn't account for the height difference. That would have required ---"  
  
"Oh, yes. The molecular transponder. Which Ethan Hawke and Sydney destroyed ---"  
  
"Ethan Hawke?" Jack asked, stroking her back with his knife-free hand.  
  
"Well, does anyone remember the name of his character? That was the Ethan Hawke episode. And then there were the Faye Dunaway episodes... Wait. She looked at you... Did you kiss [i]her[/i]?"  
  
"I was afraid of her lips. There was so much collagen in there that I might have bounced backwards and fallen into The Practice."  
  
"Too true. And it would seem that the problem is women kissing you rather than the other way around," Irina said, disgruntled.  
  
Jack grinned and ran the knife lightly down her right arm as he asked slyly, "Like you did in the customs line in India?"  
  
"Hmm." She grinned. "Do I need to apologize for making untoward advances?" "Ah. You want to play the apology game tonight?"  
  
"Well, I see your knife is... ready. Well-sharpened, let us say?" Irina noted, pressing into her husband.  
  
"True," Jack said, using his free hand to squeeze her rear end and haul her against him. With the other he trailed the knife down the bare skin above the back neckline of her shirt. "Get on the bed."  
  
She laughed and then forced her face to mock solemnity as she said tremulously, "Oh, I'll do anything! I'm so afraid of that big...sharp...scary... knife that's pressing into me."  
  
He bit back a laugh and said fiercely as he rubbed her butt with one hand and resumed stroking her arm with the knife, "You should be. It will show you no mercy tonight. So, get on the bed."  
  
"I would, I truly would..." She batted her lashes and made her lower lip tremble."But I can't! I just can't!"  
  
"You better have a good reason, an excellent reason for your failure to comply---"  
  
"I do! I really do!" Irina said, biting her lip.  
  
"And it's---"  
  
"You're squeezing my ass so hard I can't move to save my life!" She burst out laughing, then laughed again at the blank look on his face.  
  
He shook his head and laughed. "So I am... Bad form on my part."  
  
"You get too easily distracted when we play these games, Jack. You really need to--"  
  
"Have the research department write me a manual, why don't you? I'll study it religiously. Even give up Queer Eye to read it if it will help improve my performance. I spend so much time worrying about that. Because you always seem [i]so[/i] unfulfilled and unsatisfied when you leave my bed." He released her and stepping back, gave her a hard shove onto the bed. Putting the knife down, he stood back and bending over, unlaced her boots and one by one tossed them over his shoulder. "Don't even think about it..." He warned as he saw her gaze flit to the knife. "It's my turn to run the game tonight."  
  
"But..."  
  
"But? You want to start with the butt? Fine. Turn over," Jack grinned and reaching his hands out, flipped her over.  
  
"Jack! What are you doing?" She craned her head around, desperate to see what he was about to do. Oooh, good, he was picking up the knife again.  
  
"No, say it's not so," Jack teased as he ran the flat edge of the knife over her rear end. "Don't tell me you're nervous?"  
  
"Well, you're not the expert with the knife that I am--"  
  
"Or your sister, right? Maybe I should call her back to give me... lessons?" Jack asked, ostentatiously reaching for the cell phone in his pocket and put it on the top of the nightstand.  
  
"Give me my phone and let me---" Irina held her hand out.  
  
"I'll give you something in that hand very shortly, but it's not going to be your phone. There's no one either of us needs to call. So, lie back down," Jack ordered, waving the knife at her.  
  
Irina laid back down and looking over her shoulder, smiled as she wiggled around. "Is it going to be bigger than that little cell phone? What you're putting in my hand, because as you may remember I have big hands---"  
  
"Hmm. Just another way we match. But hold still," Jack ordered, his left hand beginning to slice the side of her pants, his right hand on her hip to keep her in place. "I mean it!" He pinched her butt. "I don't want to be sewing up your ass tonight when if you would just hold still I could be---"  
  
"I don't want to. I want to..." She took a breath and he paused, careful not to cut her. "Wiggle," she said, with a grin as his hand went down over her butt.  
  
"You can wiggle all you want shortly, in fact, I think..." Jack said, smiling. "I'll use this knife to make sure you wiggle. On the bar." He whipped the pants off of her.  
  
Irina rolled her eyes. Then looking down at her clothes which were rapidly becoming shreds, she complained, "You know, it's terribly unfair that you're still completely clothed and I'm rapidly becoming naked." She held very still as Jack sliced the shirt off inch by slow, agonizing inch.  
  
"Terribly..." Jack agreed, as he sliced through the back of her bra and pulled it off, tossing it somewhere.  
  
She looked at it and sighed. "It's a good thing I always bring extra clothes with me when I visit since most of them ended up in the rag bin."  
  
"Well, those that didn't get cut into strips and creatively recycled, anyway," Jack said, pointing at the end posts of the bed. They looked at each other and smiled. Jack bent his head and resumed his work with the knife, beginning to cut one side of her panties apart.  
  
"You know what else is terribly unfair, Jack?" She waited. Then rolling her eyes, she said, "Jack! You seem more interested in slicing off my panties than my conversation."  
  
"Shocking. Simply shocking." Jack grinned.  
  
"I'm talking about a shocking inequity to be sure," Irina said, looking down at her naked body and comparing it to her husband's fully clothed one. She tugged at his shirt as he leaned over her. Jack put the knife down on the nightstand and whipped his clothes off.  
  
"Was that it?" Jack asked as he climbed back on the bed and pulled her close to him. They both sighed as their skin met.  
  
"No, there is another inequity---"  
  
"That there are episodes where Weiss' eclair fetish got more screen time than I did?" He asked and stroked her hair.  
  
"No, go back to Season 1," Irina suggested, wrapping her arm around his neck.  
  
"Hmm. Donovan the dog got more screen time than I have in certain episodes lately..." He trailed off as she tunneled her hand into his hair and began playing with it.  
  
"What happened to that dog?"  
  
"Went into the same black hole as the blonde agent that showed up in one episode in Season 2. Or--"  
  
"I worry about that dog. But no, no, don't start making a list of all the missing characters and unresolved plot devices or this story will take as long as a certain other story. I'm talking about something much shorter. Arvin Sloane."  
  
"What about him? And make it quick or talking about him will make me lose all interest in the proceedings and I'm sure you don't---"  
  
Irina spoke up quickly. "It's unfair that [i]you[/i] got to cut off Arvin's finger that time."  
  
"True. Life was good then. But, honey, how about for your birthday...?" Jack paused.  
  
"Yes?" Irina asked eagerly. "I can't wait. You think of the [i]best[/i] gifts."  
  
"That's because I know you. How about this? For your birthday, you can cut off anything of Arvin's you want when we take him down. I'll hold him down for you and you can use that knife you love so much."  
  
"Promise?" Irina asked eagerly, her eyes shining, gripping his arms tightly. Jack shrugged. "Promise. Anything for you, of course, because I love you."  
  
"Cutting off some body part of Sloane's is.... So thoughtful." Irina snuggled into him. "You are the best husband ever." She gave him a smacking kiss.  
  
"Just don't ask me to gift wrap whatever body part it is that you remove."  
  
"I won't. Like most men you can't use gift wrap and scotch tape to save your life."  
  
"I never claimed to be MacGyver."  
  
"Oh, I don't know. I've seen you get yourself out of some pretty tight spots."  
  
"Honey, you've got that backwards. I specialize in getting [i]into[/i] some pretty tight spots." Jack said, grinning as he pulled her on top of him.  
  
Irina laid down on top of him, rubbed her cheek against his chest  
  
[i][Pause. Wait. Contemplate that picture. Rubbing your cheek against Jack's chest. Is Irina a lucky woman or what? Okay. Breathe again. Story resumes. Reluctantly.][/i]  
  
Irina looked up quizzically. "Did you sense a break in the space-time continuum for a moment there?"  
  
"I didn't notice anything. Although... wait. I thought I heard something..."  
  
"Not those damn wallets opening again," Irina said fiercely.  
  
"No. More like a sigh. Or many sighs. You didn't give the security codes to anyone but Katya, did you?" Jack asked suspiciously.  
  
"Just my mother. And Elena. And this brunette woman with a notepad who told me that she was working on some story---"  
  
"Irina!"  
  
"Okay, maybe that was a mistake," Irina admitted.  
  
"That woman is always poking around in my head!"  
  
"But as long as she doesn't poke around anywhere else and you don't poke anyone but me." She shrugged. "There is no one here. I checked the entire house out thoroughly before I waited for you in here."  
  
"If you're sure..." Jack said dubiously, looking around the bedroom carefully. Finally, he nodded and sighed. "Now where were we?"  
  
Irina smiled and laid her head back down on his chest. Sighing as he rubbed her back, she said, "Happy. I'm happy."  
  
"It doesn't take much to please you."  
  
"Oh..." Irina laughed, as she slid her hand downward. "I'd say it takes much, very much to please me."  
  
"As long as it's my...much," Jack said huskily.  
  
"Jack..." Irina said, as she leaned over her husband. "You know, don't you? That my love for you is not a contrivance?"  
  
"That — and my relationship with Sydney — is about the only thing that hasn't been a contrivance since Panama." He put his hands into her hair and pulled her down for a kiss.  
  
"What game [i]do[/i] you want to play?" Irina asked, when the kiss ended. "The knife game where we take off--- Oh, wait our clothes are already off. Oh. I know. The insertion game?" She asked eagerly as she wiggled around on top of him. "We could play that right [/i]now[/i], I see. No waiting. And I really [i]like[/i] that game."  
  
"I remember Panama," Jack agreed with a grin. "You definitely did like it, even though you didn't know you were playing it."  
  
"You still owe me for that transmitter."  
  
"I suppose I do. So.." He sighed, melodramatically and flung his arms out. "Do your worst. I'm tough I can take it. Go ahead," he sobbed.  
  
"It [i]is[/i] my turn...." Irina said, rolling her eyes. "I get to torture you now."  
  
"Go ahead. I dare you. I've been sedated, electrocuted, beaten... Oh, wait, and then there was the time my wife whupped me upside the head in front of that smarmy, smug--"  
  
"Jack... I think we've already played the apology game for that minor, little, tiny really..."  
  
"Speaking of something tiny... I suppose if you really wanted to torture me you could have that foppish frog come in and lick your face in front of me."  
  
"Honestly, there was so much competitive testosterone in that cell, I don't know why you two didn't just pull it out and see who could pee farther. Although I must say..." she smiled, looking downward, "That if the size of the equipment is any indication---"  
  
"Do you really want to continue this conversation? Because if so, I suggest we get out the video from London because that woman had a truly tremendous-- -"  
  
"No! And Jack, I really think we're even now. You played tonsil hockey with my sister, after all."  
  
"No puck action occurred."  
  
"No pucking?"  
  
"No, the only goal into which my hockey stick will be going is yours," Jack said, shifting her around on top of him.  
  
"Mmm. You always did know just how to hit the sweet spot."  
  
"Speaking of which, I thought we were going to play the apology game."  
  
"Again?" Irina sighed and rolled her eyes, even as she laughed.  
  
"Yes, with the contents of the drawer, that I filled just for you."  
  
"Truth be told, I'd rather you fill something else."  
  
"C'mon, honey. Don't make it too easy, I want to play a game. I've been thinking about this for a while--"  
  
"Oh, alright. If we must...." Irina sighed, although her eyes were sparkling with curiosity as she watched Jack reach toward the nightstand. "It's your choice. Will it be the apology game?" She asked. He grinned back at her as she continued, "What game? What game?" Irina asked eagerly. "The professor game? Did you get new glasses?" Jack shook his head. "Wait... Do you have feathers?" Jack shoot his head again. "Let's see...Oh! How about the prisoner--warden game? I like that game. A lot."  
  
"You like being the warden. You have a control fetish," Jack accused.  
  
"I like reenacting what might have happened in that cell in Kashmir if Sydney weren't opposite you, watching."  
  
"And if you hadn't given me the world's biggest Excedrin headache with that overly zealous head smack?"  
  
"Oh, you forgot about that by the time we got on the plane to go home from Kashmir."  
  
"I forgot about that by the time you snuck into the plane bathroom with me when Syd and Vaughn fell asleep on the way home." "You rejected me after kissing me nearly to death! You sent me back to sit down! You got me---"  
  
"I got you alright. That flight was a little torturous for you, wasn't it?" Jack said innocently, looking down at his hand.  
  
Irina looked up sharply. "Wait. That's what this drawer is. The torture game."  
  
Jack opened the drawer and looking up at her, smiled slowly. "You'll love it You reach in and pull out an item and have to use it to get the other to do or say what you want." Jack grinned and swiped his hand around inside the drawer. "Whatever shall I choose?" He closed his hand around something she could not see, as he added, "I come prepared---"  
  
"Not yet, but I'm hoping--- Jack, c'mon get on with it. I want to see what you've got."  
  
"You can see and feel what I've got, can't you?" He grinned and began pulling items out of his nightstand drawer. "Gun?" She shook her head. He tossed the gun onto the floor and showed her another weapon. "Knife?"  
  
"Nope. Besides I like my own knife best, the one you gave me." She nodded approvingly as he tossed the knife aside.  
  
"Ah well, we all have our preferences." He held up a length of cording with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"No. Leaves a mark on the skin and we can't have that." Irina shook her head again. "Well, at least not tonight." She thought again. "Or right now. Maybe later. I can always kiss away the redness--"  
  
"Hmm. Kissing the redness... I can live with that idea," Jack said with a leer.  
  
Irina rolled her eyes. "What's next?"  
  
"The wedding cuffs?" Jack asked eagerly, pulling them out and dangling them in front of her. "I do like these, I must tell you. So much more useful than a blender."  
  
"I don't know. I could use a new blender in my lab for mixing up---"  
  
"I told you. You need a centrifuge for that mess you've been trying to call- --"  
  
"It's a margarita, Jack. Not the ebola virus."  
  
"The way you mix a margarita, one might prefer the ebola virus," Jack muttered, then grinned when she slapped at him. "But honey? The cuffs?"  
  
"Hmm. Maybe later. I mean, we do have to use the gifts we were given, don't we?" "Absolutely." Jack said solemnly, although his eyes were laughing as he tossed the cuffs to the floor. "We can't lie on our thank you notes and say we love the gift if we haven't actually used them. We need to test them out so we can be truthful in our expression of gratitude."  
  
Irina agreed. "Of course. And after all, lying is such a foreign concept to either of us."  
  
"Did you know it's not really a lie if you say it in a foreign language?" Jack asked, as he once again reached into the drawer.  
  
"Ah. Like drinking Diet Coke with chocolate cake cancels out the calories?" Irina asked, tracing a design on her husband's chest with her index finger. "Speaking of which, do you have any dessert in the house?"  
  
"I thought it was that the calories didn't count if you eat off of my plate."  
  
"Hmmm," Irina said as she slid down his body. "Speaking of eating off your plate...."  
  
Jack smiled. "I really have to thank Katya for her big sister advice," he said softly. Then he tapped her on the head. "Hey. Those cuffs she gave us as a wedding present? Your side of the family, you write the notes."  
  
"Damn. I hate writing thank you notes." She shook her head against his abdomen as he tossed the cuffs to the pile of discarded torture items on the floor.  
  
"You have a year to respond," Jack reminded her. "But email thank you notes do not fulfill etiquette requirements, I must tell you. I know I'm [i]deeply[/i] offended when I save someone's life and all I got is an electronic greeting from a secure email server."  
  
"Thank you, Miss Manners. Now...What else do you have?" She moved back up to straddle him.  
  
"Hmm. Let's see." He pulled out a small assortment of the tiny airplane size bottles of alcohol. Then sighing he tossed them aside. "It would take a lot more than that to have any effect on either of us."  
  
"Save them for later. I have an idea for the rum."  
  
"I bet."  
  
"You hope."  
  
"That too." Jack swiftly reached up and pulled his wife down for a quick kiss. "What else do I have in my drawer of torture? Given your abilities to withstand standard forms of interrogation, I can see I might need to get inventive...." He rummaged around. "Ah..." He swung his hand back and forth and a loud discordant clang echoed in the room.  
  
Irina covered her ears. "No.. No. Not a cow bell. Please!"  
  
"Aha! I think we're on to something here," Jack smiled as he pulled out a triangular dinner bell.  
  
Irina flung the triangle aside and listened with satisfaction as it landed on the pile and with a metallic ping rolled off the pile and onto the floor where is subsided all by its lonesome. "My sister is tweezing that to death right now. Surely you can do better, Jack."  
  
"Oh, I can do better. Now... this, this would work... Pure torture," Jack said, grinning as he pulled out a photo in front of her face.  
  
"My eyes!" Irina shrieked. "Please no! No! I beg you, not that!"  
  
Jack waved it around. "Ah ha! I have found the best torture known to womankind--"  
  
"A naked photo of Arvin Sloane!" Irina hit him on the shoulder. "This is...evil, truly evil, Jack Bristow."  
  
"I know," Jack grinned unrepentantly.  
  
"This is.... unconstitutional!" Irina protested. "Cruel and unusual punishment. Give me the truth serum, I see a syringe in there...Or, anything, anything but that!" She threw herself down on top of him and clutched his arms in her hands.  
  
Jack held up the picture and grinned. An evil grin, Irina thought as she cringed as he crowed triumphantly, "I have you now, don't I?"  
  
"I'll do anything you want... I promise. Anything. Just take it away!" Irina moaned, burying her face in his neck to avoid seeing the horror.  
  
Jack tossed the photo aside. Putting his arms around his wife and holding her loosely, he whispered in her ear, "All I really want is more time with you."  
  
"To save the show from the triangle?" Irina said, sliding her hands up his chest.  
  
He shook his head. "No. For me. For Sydney."  
  
"I know. I promise, I'll.. spend more time with you from now."  
  
"You... What?" He stared at her in shock. She was actually taking her big sister's advice? She was taking anyone's advice? He really needed to spend more time talking to his in-laws. Or... maybe not. But then again, he and Irina's mom did have good conversations about Queer Eye and her personal favorite, Fear Factor. She contended that the hosts were sick puppies who had nonetheless given the interrogation department some excellent ideas.  
  
"Jack... I'm hoping to stay for a few days..."  
  
"You are?" Jack asked incredulously.  
  
"You will call in sick," Irina ordered.  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows. "But I'm never sick. Even after I was nearly electrocuted by Geiger, I was back at work the next day, bright and early."  
  
"And that was totally believable too. Are you sure your parents didn't do a Project Christmas on you, make you into one of those Energizer Bunnies?"  
  
"Are you complaining suddenly about the fact that I can keep going and going and going?"  
  
"Hardly!" Irina smiled.  
  
"Hmm, but you're the one with the soft... tail..." Jack whispered, as his hands curved around her. "Will you stay here if I promise to pet you properly?"  
  
Irina smiled, then realized, "Wait. You never told me. What did happen to Vaughn's dog?"  
  
"Field agents really can't have dogs. He had to give it away. Cats are best for field agents..." Jack grinned as he slid one hand down over his wife's now bare belly.  
  
"Are they?" Irina asked giving him that sidelong glance that had always seemed particularly feline to him.  
  
"Mmm. Especially those who purr in Russian. Are you going to purr for me tonight?"  
  
"Make me."  
  
"Hmm. What else do I have in the drawer?" Jack asked, with a smile, but made no move to reach into it, given that his wife had taken his hands in hers.  
  
She lifted them to her mouth and kissing each one in turn, put them on her waist. Leaning down to touch his lips with her own, she whispered, "All you need to make me purr, make me do anything you want is your hands, your mouth...your love. That's all you need."  
  
"How fortuitous," Jack said softly, as he rolled his wife under him. "Because those items are all extremely portable. You don't even need those amazing pants of Katya's---"  
  
Irina hissed, "I don't need those pants because I plan on making sure that you and I are together as much as possible from now on. So shut up about her. Stop trying to make me jealous. I swear I'm going to have nightmares."  
  
"Hmm. Come here and let me see if I can give you sweet dreams," Jack argued as he bent his head to hers.  
  
[i]"No, don't do it that way," Irina said, putting a hand on her sister's shoulder and shoving her away.  
  
"Irina, really, she was doing just [/i]fine[i]," Jack protested, then swallowed his words as Irina's mouth closed over him. "Okay, that's pretty good too."  
  
"Pretty good?" Katya questioned, with an uplift to her eyebrow. "I can assure you that I can do better than pretty good."  
  
Irina's breath hissed out and she removed her mouth. Jack groaned. "C'mon..."  
  
"You assure me? You can do better than me? Oh really? Well, show me. Prove it," Irina said and waved her hand over Jack's body. "Show me."  
  
"Yeah. Show me," Jack mumbled. "Please." Then burst out laughing at the look of consternation on his wife's face as she realized that her temper had just boxed her in. She had just told her sister to--[/i]  
  
Irina gasped and sat up like a shot. Oh, she wiped her forehead. Just a dream. She sighed with relief, feeling Jack's warmth next to her. Lying back down next to him, she pressed her body against his and began kissing his shoulder. He should wake up. Now. She needed to stake her claim on him again. She shook his shoulder.  
  
[i]"First of all, you left lipstick on his dick. That's a fashion faux pas. Don't you remember anything from the academy? This is why I was the vale[/i]dic[i]torian and not you."  
  
"Really? He didn't seem to mind when I left lipstick on his lips. When I kissed him. In public."  
  
"Maybe he was just too polite to wipe his mouth in front of you."  
  
"Maybe... someone could put their lips on me now? Somewhere?" Jack asked hopefully.  
  
"It should be me, no?" Katya asked. Smiling, she added, "Since I did not acquire my code name for my resemblance to the bird, the swallow."  
  
"But the truth is Katya," Jack said, groaning. "That I love your sister and even if she's an amateur, I'd really rather have her---"  
  
"Amateur!" Irina growled. He grinned. Her buttons were so easy to push. Then he gasped as Irina poked him in that bandage over his liver.[/i] "Ouch!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Jack! Wake up!" Irina said, poking him.  
  
Jack, coming awake immediately as always, murmured, "What...Oh. How disappointing."  
  
"What's disappointing?" Irina asked suspiciously, having heard certain words mumbled in his sleep that made her... concerned. Words like lipstick and... swallow and...  
  
"Oh, nothing."  
  
"Jack..."  
  
"Well, I dreamed — and honestly, honey, what man wouldn't? — that you two were sharing me and---"  
  
"Let's be honest, Jack. The two of us would probably kill you."  
  
Jack sighed. "Ah well, that's undoubtedly true. If your sister is anything like you... But then again, what a way to go."  
  
Irina pushed him to his back and sat on top of him with a plop. "Geez!" he exclaimed. "You are not going to punish me for a dream, are you?" Then he looked at her, her obdurate face and arms crossed over her chest under her bosom... Well, that wasn't so bad, after all, he decided, staring at her breasts that quivered with every deep breath she took. "Although if you really wanted to, I'd let you---"  
  
"Letting me has nothing to do with it! You, you... It's my turn for that drawer!" She rummaged in the drawer. "Ah, ha. The old standby." She held up a syringe.  
  
"Truth serum?" Jack shook his head and then began stroking his hands along her skin. "You don't need to use drugs to get the truth out of me."  
  
"Hmm. What would be most effective....The water torture? Or, I know, footage of Quentin Tarantino acting---"  
  
"Or audiotape of Sydney's attempts at foreign accents?" He shook his head. "Nope. There is something much... simpler that would render me helpless in your hands. If hands is the route you want to take." He smiled.  
  
"You are so easy."  
  
"For you," he agreed softly, kissing the skin of her wrist, her hands planted on the bed on either side of his head. "Guess what would work on me?"  
  
She grinned. "Kisses?"  
  
"Let's see. I bet you can even kiss better than Katya. If you try really hard."  
  
Irina began to raise her hand, then stopped when she saw the laughter in his eyes. "Jack..."  
  
"I do love knowing a new way to push your buttons." Jack smiled, as he slid his left hand inward from her waist and then slowly downward. "All of them."  
  
"Mmm. You do know the best way to get a head start... Mmm. "Irina groaned, then catching sight of her phone, smiled. She made a show of reaching for the drawer. "But I do want to check out this drawer."  
  
"Go ahead. But speaking of a head...." He arched his hips up into her.  
  
"Jack!" She rolled her eyes and pulled her hand back after hitting a number on her speed dial. "But I want you to tell me something."  
  
"Anything," Jack whispered, as he levered himself up to apply his mouth to her skin.  
  
"If you could...." Irina slid down on him and smiled as he groaned. "If you could go back in time, and Cuvee was offering Katya and I those rosters again...and [i]you[/i] had the choice.. Who would you---"  
  
"Who would I pick? Honey, I'd pick you. Of [i]course.[/i] I love you. You do know that, without any doubt, don't you?"  
  
"I know you do. You're giving me a grenade launcher for Valentine's Day, aren't you?" Irina said smugly.  
  
Jack scowled. "Well, there goes that surprise! Who told you that?"  
  
"Oh, that kind of intel--"  
  
"Intel is political. This is personal, which makes it... Gossip! It was your mother, wasn't it? I knew, I knew I should have never called her last week to find out your preferred munitions dealer!"  
  
"Oh, but it's so sweet that you went to so much trouble." Irina smiled. Then poking him in the chest, she added, "But speaking of trouble. That dream... Were you comparing us..."  
  
Jack shook his head. "In my dream I rejected her offer. And why would I feel the need to compare?" He pulled Irina's face to his. "I know I have the best already."  
  
"Jack... Was I....out of all the women...?" He grinned. "Were you the best? Is that what you want to know?" She nodded. "Hmm. I'll need to think about it. Let me run through the in my mind. Let's see, first. Hmm. You know, I'm not getting any younger, my memory is not what it used to be. Perhaps we should review those tapes--- Ouch!"  
  
"Jack...."  
  
"Honey." Jack squeezed her hips and said slowly and clearly. "There never was and never will be anyone to compare to you. In any way, shape or..." He sent a lecherous gaze up and down her body. "Form."  
  
"Then I win." Irina nodded and said it loudly.  
  
"You always will. You always were the best. Because I love you."  
  
"Ah. Then I really do win."  
  
"Always. No contest."  
  
He lifted his hands to pull her down. She stopped him and grabbed for her phone on the nightstand. "Ha! Hear that, Kat!" Irina called out, lunging for her phone to crow into it triumphantly. She snarled, "Did you hear that? See? Told you. I win! You tramp!"  
  
"You had to pry those words out of him. Bitch," Katya said with a smile in her voice. "And Jack, just remember, the offer and I are always...open."  
  
Jack burst out laughing as Irina slammed the phone across the room. Rolling his wife underneath him, he cupped her face in his hands. "Yes, I love you, I'd pick you. The tall skinny brilliant one. And let's see, Katya was the shorter, cute, manipulative one. It does make one wonder just how she might manipulate---"  
  
"You're dead."  
  
"Mmm. So kill me already." He rolled again until they were lying next to each other. He urged her, "Go ahead. Your weapon of choice. Gun? Knife? Syringe? Whatever weapon you want to torture me..."  
  
Irina groaned. "God, how I love it when you talk like that." She lifted her body over his.  
  
"God, how I love it when you move like that."  
  
"Let me prove to you that I'm the better sister." Irina urged. Jack nodded happily.  
  
Much later, Jack whispered to no one in particular, "Thank god for sibling rivalry."  
  
"I heard that!" Irina said sleepily.  
  
Jack sighed deeply. Then taking a breath, because he knew it might be his last one, he asked, "So....I understand there's a third sister somewhere?"  
  
The End 


End file.
